Pancake tosser

You ever had the feeling that your being watched? shit like isn't it? Loads has happened since i last wrote, ive been discharged by my NHS team, without being told. Been to see a private psychiatrist who has clarified my diagnosis (Bipolar with Psychotic features, strange how i was going to be put with a non psychosis tea..) and formulated a plan, which involves going back to the nhs team. i was under the impression that i was being moved teams but apparently they just cut me loose without sending me a letter or anything. So im now on a totally indeterminate CPN (Community nurse) list that i could be on for months. Nice one. I also had to contact my GP about getting on Lithium tablets, so i rang them up and he's on holiday for 10 days hahaha, what luck! I think the best course of action would be to get the Psychiatrist to contact the NHS team for me. maybe i'll give that a go and try and see a different doctor at the gp surgery. They were on about something called DBT before, i'll have to do a bit of looking at that. All talk and no solution it seems.

Anyway the reason i haven't wrote owt for a while is that the ups and downs have been canny intense, the downs have been particularly crushing, to the point where i just haven't been able to do anything for days, the voices get more directed and cutting. And the cutting! Then the flip side is today, energy to burn, i feel like i can tackle the world, mind the is the danger that ill do daft things on a whim but hopefully i can stay in the mortal realm and not go too far gone that i do things i cant remember or whatever. Just try and use the energy in a positive way. The paranoia and the voices/visions are still there in this kind of phase but its hard to shake them ever so that is what it is.

The Phychiatrist reckons all the drugs i took and all the drinking ive done hasn't helped matters like , maybe he's right but he's on about me not drinking and stuff, he thinks that will help ease the voices and everything a bit, along with the tablets (which i hate, make me pile weight on) I told him id tried this before for a few moths and it didnt make much difference at all. Anythings worth a go though so...

One other thing that happens with all this energy i can become pretty agitated pretty quick, like last night Alex was out so i had Mlo and Leia, they were in bed like but still. Anyway nothing usually happens once they are in bed but Milo woke up last night and was screaming, this didn't help my head and i couldn't get him settled, the voices then got really nasty and it completely sent me the other way from being a canny happy buzz to fucking angry, wound up etc pretty quickly. Luckily i didnt show this while i was trying to calm him down and Alex came in and took over. Makes me feel useless that shit though, really fucks me off.

Faster than shit of a chrome shovel

When everything is like this its 100mph, cant concentrate on anything for longer than 5 mins, its called racing thoughts, it doesn’t help when the voices are loud and just talking total gobbledegook, nothing makes sense, I talk to myself a bit I think, I cant really tell at times if people are talking to my or its just the noise in my head. It’s proper serious weird shit. The upside of this is that I get a lot of energy, always tempered but anxiety and paranoia but at least I get bits of things done now and again. Better than being a total zombie all the time like I am on the meds.

The woman at the hospital place I go told me to take them every other day until I get them into my system, I see them this week so ill ask about that cos its just making me flat out like. The voices do get a bit quieter but is it worth it to be a complete waste of space for half the time. I just sleep, I feel myself sitting there just existing rather than living. Its total bollocks like. Im canny stressed about seeing them to be honest as im seeing a new person too and im going to push for a new doctor to go along with the psychologist ive been seeing. See if i can get a bit more help out of it all, if not its going to be a massive haul. It is anyway, nature of it i suppose but the thoughts of giving up get really really strong from time to time and them times seem to be getting closer together at the min.

As ive been taking them every other day my moods have been totally all over the place, ive been angry at times and kicking off at stuff that hasn’t gone right, including alex, which wasn’t nice for any of us but I felt like I was lost and couldn’t contact anyone and so everything magnified and I got completely stressed. The wind didn’t help either, I have to walk covering my ears a lot when its bad as the voices and noise get really intense. That clearly makes me look bad. That and shouting to try and get them to quieten down.

Basically theres no middle ground at the minute, im either totally fucked off the tablets or 100mph, a bit levelling out would be good.

Ive found a group on FB that has loads of people with these kinds of problems, and this has given me a bit of comfort as it shows im not alone. Some of the stuff I read is hard though as it rings really true and is sometimes showing people in despair. I know how they feel. If someone could find a way to take all of this away they would make billions of whatever currency they want. Still the things that keep me going are doing so, so thanks to everyone, you know you help...

Bit of an update

Im not really a nice person at the minute. Ive started these tablets that have got me agitated, wound up, like a zombie, totally shattered and basically fucked up. I suppose theyve helped dampen the voices down a touch but the knock on effect of that is that i might as well not be around, ive slept at every opportunity and i cant motivate myself to do anything constructive really. Im really short tempered too, shouting at everyone, Alex, Leia, being a bit horrible to them. Its not nice. For me, or for anyone else. Im not taking them anymore, theres got to be an alternative that just does the good bits without the bad being so severe.

Since i last blogged i had a meeting with the doc at the hospital and the Eip worker i see was in with us. So was Alex. it was a total battle, he didnt like me questioning his thoughts or challenging what he said, i think it must be easy for them to say owt to anyone who is totally spaced to fuck on meds and they just accept it. The fella was totally defensive, aggressive at times, towards me and Alex, it wasn't the best, he basically ended up writing a prescription to get me to fuck off, so i thought. The whole thing wasn't handled well at all. The whole thing was that he has diagnosed me with some Emotional disregulation thing, its bullshit. Ive met the guy 3 times for a grand total of 90 mins or so, he said, when i said how can he possibly diagnose me, He doesnt know me, that he takes into account what the Eip woman says, however i challenge her a lot too because i think she picks the wrong bits out of what i say, the bits im not really arsed about, a throw away comment or something. Or trys to fit things that may or may not have happened into a timeline to prove stuff that doesnt exist and never has. Its the hallucinations and voices that are my problem mostly, not that i feel up or down (which is still shit but haway at least its not relentless noise and paranoia)

Anyway i tried the tablets and they're a different form of hell. There has to be alternatives. This is the longest downward episode ive had in a long long time, every day i wake up thinking i might be feeling better but then later or the next day i just bottom out and crash.

On the plus side i see the psychologist ive been seeing private tomorrow so thats a good thing, hopefully that will help a bit and i'll feel a bit more positive soon.

Ive watched a bit on youtube about different disorders and this video sums things up for me, its near enough bang on, other than the fact shes a lass and im not. i take a bit of comfort in the fact that im not alone and theres others out there. shit for them i know but hey, what you going to do?

Im also eternally greatful for everyone who has kept an eye on me the last few weeks, from lads i go to the match with, play football with, mates and espeically family. Your all fucking great. im going to try and be nicer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h57b-oz76Ps

Might end up getting somewhere soon...

Getting my haircut yesterday I had to take my glasses off, without them I can see much at all, sitting facing a mirror is bad enough but 100% more stressful when I cant see anything. Then this happened. Im sitting there trying to not to show that im too stressed when one of ‘them’ appeared in the mirror. Staring at me, it stayed there ages. Proper freaky as I could see ‘it’ no bother, like I would see anyone else if I had my glasses on, usually I wear contacts so ive never experienced that before like. Very very weird.

Also ive been thinking  about what I need to say to the gp about getting a quick referral to a psychiatrist privately, when me and Alex went through it all then its no the wonder things aren’t great. Diagnoses in Hexham was bipolar and borderline, they were going to re-asses this to see if I leaned more towards the schitzoaffective side of things. However they didn’t get around to it as I left the area. Got put in a sort of purgatory state in Sunderland by being placed with an Eip support worker who tried her best ut didn’t really have much insight into my problems. They decided that they didn’t need to see my notes or history from Hexham so just went with what she thought, I constantly disagreed with this support worker as I didn’t feel she was listening. She sat in on 2 sessions when I saw their team doc, he went with what she said rather than listening to what I had to say. I think this process has knocked my confidence somewhat and I feel back to square one. They taked about emotional dis regulation, I can handle my ups and downs for the most part, its the hallucinations and voices that are the biggest problem. They decided they would transfer me to a new team who deal with non-psychosis problems. Non-psychoisis, joking or what? If you see things that aren’t there, think that people are out to kill you, hear peoples thoughts, have voices commenting on you and constant noise in your head, what is that if not psychotic symptoms? Anyway the eip support worker sat in on an appointment where I met the woman who was  going to be my new worker, everything I said the eip worker contradicted and tried to push the new woman down a different track rather than listening to what was actually happening, she wanted to delve into my past to see what traumatic episode this stems from. She told me that there was a good chance it might not help and things would get worse. Thanks but no thanks then. I know the tablets haven’t helped all that much but I think in hindsight they might have helped a bit. Nothing has happened in my past, everythings all been fine. Its an illness. Does cancer come from a traumatic childhood experience? No, so this is no different in my mind. In my mind, haha. Im not repressing anything, it pisses me off that they can give me support, like those at hexham did, but chose not too, is it too much hard work for them? I dunno... I feel ive wasted a year and got worse and not better. So I have an app on Friday morning and hopefully I’ll get t see a Dr asap and look at more medication options. Its a fine balance between them helping and the side effects being too much though so I’ll se what develops. It actually feels like people think im making shit up sometimes, I mean I haven’t got the energy to do that like, you’d need to be an Oscar worthy actor with the discipline of a monk to play this part 24/7. It’s a complete living nightmare at times. I think because im high fuctioning and quite strong some people just think its not as bad as all that. Apparently ive been talking to myself (the voices anyway but out load from time to time) this has got to stop, I have to be stronger and get myself sorted. People rely on me for fucks sake. 

Another week, not much better...

Another week, not much better...          

The battle goes on. GP (different one than last week) is on holiday til Friday so I cant see him, still no reply or contact from the Clinic, don’t know how to find a private psychiatrist, I’ll ask the psychologist if he can recommend anyone to see. I really need someone to talk to to help get this calmed down now, its been the longest ‘episode’ ive had in ages this, I feel absolutely spannered, head feels like ist boiling over and ive got nowt to help. The voices are telling me to hurt myself more and more, and worse. Cant give in to them. Don’t like waiting for anything at the best of times, even more when its this important. Again its a case of no one listening. Rang Mind in the town and he gave me a number for PALS who can help change psychiatrist but im not rining them yet until I hear from the clinic. God knows whats happening. Theres ‘people’ and big dog/wild cat like animals everywhere I seem to look and im sitting here on my own. Probably need to get out of here. Walk somewhere or summit, Water seems to clam me down sometimes. Seafront. Fucking god knars. Can’t concentrate or owt, everything is git jumbled up and fast. Used to get diazepam and temazepam and shit to sort me out, didn’t help that much but better than nowt. Dunno if I can last til Friday with all this noise and paranoia like, hopefully something will develop before then.

'I don’t know what to say, you don’t care anyway' - Crystal, New Order 2001

Ok then. Big deep breath, breathing techniques to calm the mind and try not to end up windmilling the fuck out of every person that so much as says ‘alright?’ this last 24 hours.

I made the decision along with the new Psychologist to try some more anti psychotic meds, these haven’t really done too much in the past but I’m willing to try them again because looking back I think the meds I’ve been on have probably helped even though I didn’t think it at the time. They may have taken a little bit off the top and bottom of all these symptoms. Anyway, I’m willing, if I get some that don’t make me pile weight on like the fucking stay puft marshmallow man, to try them again to see if they can calm the hallucinations, the voices, the noise...

Because I’m seeing a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, he can’t prescribe meds, so I made an appointment with my GP to explain what the crack was and see what my options were. Disasterous. The bloke didn’t listen one iota, couldn’t have given the shiniest of shites really, he listened for 3 minutes, wrote a letter and told me to hand it in to be referred to an NHS psychiatrist. I told him I had already seen someone where he wanted to send me and that they hadn’t really listened to me either and that I felt they were focussing on the wrong things. I read the letter as I was leaving. He’d just blatantly made stuff up. I went back in and got him to change it. I handed it in to the reception desk and the lass told me it would take up to 12 weeks. 12 fucking weeks? I already have contact with them but don’t really want to see the same doc and team as I feel I’ve been railroaded down a blind alley with them due to a few appointments where they, I feel, have focused on what they want to focus on, the easy way out for them, rather than the worst parts of my symptoms, so basically I’m put in a situation where I have to explain to people who aren’t going to listen that I want meds that they don’t want to give me.

Having contacted the psychologist after the GP appointment I rang the wellfeild clinic this morning, but the woman I see (who isn’t a doc) is not available all day so they sent her an email to contact me. I rang them back when I remembered the name of the Doc I’d seen there twice (for 30 mins each time and he thinks he can diagnose me such and such after this amount of time!) and asked to speak with him, after all he had told me to call any time. The receptionist informed me that patients can’t be transferred to doctors! What the absolute fuck man, so I asked if the email had gone to him. ‘Its been passed on’ was the answer. No then, id wager it fucking hasn’t. I’m in despair now with this carry on. I’m going to ask if the Psychologist can recommend me a psychiatrist so I can get the help and support I need without needing to bother the local authority as I feel that in Sunderland, the area is far too big, the resources are spread far too thin and the overriding feeling I get is that they want to pay lip service to people’s problems but not actually deal with the cases that are most difficult because they don’t have the time. Not their fault, the fault of those that hold the purse strings. Compare my support and care here to when I lived in Hexham and you’d think it was another planet. This kind of thing really knocks you, and for people who are struggling it really makes you lose faith. As I said to Alex last night, if I had had to go through all of this here rather than starting in Hexham, there would be a good chance id not be typing this now. Theres people who are worse off than me, I feel really fucking sorry for them.

Anyhow, training tonight after spending a bit time with the family so that hopefully will help.

Whats it all about, Alfie?

As time goes on this shit seems to grow harder to deal with, I feel like im a bad person to be around cos im miles away, disengaged, agitated or ‘blank’ loads. Is this because im having to go through telling another health professional the crack from the beginning again or is it just a natural part of the illness? I know what I think and its the latter, others might disagree but others might have an agenda.

I am fully behind the fact that this is here for the long term. That living through it and understanding it is going to be hard, its already been hard for the last few years. I think the difficulties com because I cant explain whats happening so others, professionals include cant grasp it either. This new fella seems to be concentrating on the psychiosis side of things at the min which is good as most have look at little bits of the picture rather than the whole thing. The voices, visions, hearing other peoples thoughts, the up and down crushing feelings and moods, it all adds up,

As far as episodes go, this one has been a stinker, I havent slept properly for days and the voices are insanely loud most of the time. The sort of stuff they say is rally disturbing and I find them very tiring. One of the most disturbing things that comes from this is the fact that I hear other peoples thoughts, strangers in busy places, supermarkets, strip light shithole shops, I hear them, I know what theyre thinking. ‘Look at that cunt, should be fucking killed’, ‘useless weird cunt’, ‘fucking wanker’ this kind of lovely crack, same sort of lines as the voices really but somehow more disturbing, Paranoia, great stuff! Feels like the world is watching, waiting for something to happen.

Something has to give somewhere, I think its going to be tablets again but I dont know if I want them...

Words like schizophrenia are canny scary but as long as I know what the battle is it helps in my own mind. I think im going to try an organised things better so I have more of a structure and a plan to use.

Went to a northern league match last night, Whitley bay v my mates team, North shields, quite enjoyed it, couple of lads from Farra detatched came along, it was good to get out and they were good company, as ever. Cheers CB and JB. By the way, Shields won 4-2 and our mate was an unused sub, at least we ddnt drive 40 mins both ways and pay in... oh, hang on ;)

Onwards an upwards.