Deteriation

On my next visit to Dr Ryman she asked me again similar questions and asked me how id been getting on, she also talked to Alex, while I was there, this was a strange strange experience as I felt I had drifted out of my body and was watching the meeting happen from above they were talking frankly about some of the mad escapades id got up to and my radgie as fuck mood swings. It was like being on ket, proper crawling into my own head and watching a tv show about me. Really odd. At this time the voices in my head had got worse and worse, they are now actively telling me to do stuff, they say they want to protect me, that im invincible but they seem to want me to kill myself. I have now started getting visual hallucinations too, these are usually out the corner of my eye or figures on the street, people looking at me from behind when I look in mirrors reflective surfaces the fucking lot. Its a good job im not easily scared by stuff. Due to this the anti-depressants and anti-psycotics have been increased in dose. They still arent touching the hallucinations, the doc tells me that because she only has a 'working diagnosis' that its so hard to get the drugs right, she also gave me some Temazepam and Diazapam.

Im impatient and because of the hallucinations id been under supervision by family every day but I tricked them into letting me stay at home alone one day, all I wanted to do was watch telly and play footy manager. I coudn't hack it. I covered every reflective surface in the house and smashed a couple of mirrors, seemingly breaking a knuckle and cutting my foot in the process. I turned every light out in the house, got a knife and a quilt and created a kind of den where I felt safe til Alex got in. I kept hearing the phone ring but the voices told me not answer then they told me to but I couldnt figure out how to anyway in the end. I heard the door knock, same thing, sheer panic and paranoia, I couldnt work my phone to ring the crisis team so I started cutting my arm to try and appease the visions and the voices, it didnt work so I held tight until alex discovered me, a fucking wreck lying in my make-shift castle! She rang the crisis team and they came out at 3am to see me, they calmed me and said they'd get me in touch with the early intervention psychosis team who would come out to do yet another assesment on me.

That week had been a fucking nightmare in all honesty, on the Saturday Sunderland played Fulham, I made a massive, massive mistake and drank, I drank hard, to forget the week, to numb the pain, I got back home and I drank more, Alex was powerless to stop me, I got through ¾ of a bottle of Vodka and Cranberry (rock n roll eh?!) and just completely broke down, I was a wreck, I was shouting at the visions, arguing with the voices, I just wanted to see my brother who seems to have a calming influence on me. I, again spoke to the Crisis Team and then Alex, fucking star that she is, managed to drive to Sunderland while talking me through the hell I was facing. We got there and my bro talked to me for ages, let me have 1 gin and tonic and then told me to get the fuck to bed.  

To compound a shite week The Tav lost 0-2 on the Sunday, first loss in 11 games. (all match reports can be read on my other blog 'tactics tactics tactics', canny read id say!)