I did some reading up on Bi-polar disorder, it scared the shit out of me I’ll tell you, it also looked like I had a lot of the signs, this both worried and soothed my mind a bit as I could try and get my mind around what was going on and what it was I now had to deal with. At work I fought like a beaver to keep my 'crazy' under wraps but one day it all got too much, id been out dropping one of the lads off at college and I just parked up in McDonald car park and fucking bawled my eyes out. I decided then to tell work that I wasn’t well and that it was being looked into, work were excellent with me and I cant thank them enough for there support to date.
Very soon the appointment dropped through the letterbox for me to go and see a psychiatrist, Dr Ryman, she then assessed me and asked me loads of questions about my childhood, I declined telling her that my cousin had twice split my head open and another cousin literally pissed himself while watching the opening sequence of 'Ghostbusters', all in all I had a fucking top notch upbringing, wanted for nowt and got pretty much everything I ever wanted, including, apparently, the last pair of size 4 Puma Kings in Scotland that big ray hunted down one Christmas. She also asked about my alcohol and narcotic intake to which I was frank, I have a session once a week, im not the kind of lad who can stop at one and because of the highs I go on and on forever, or until im bundled into a taxi home, and ive knocked the naughty stuff on the head (bar one or two slip ups, Dutchy and sams 21st where I gurned to an Olympic standard and chewed 2 professional footballers lugs off all night being one of them). I think that at this stage with my head the way it is I needed to be completely honest with everyone and im pretty proud that I managed to do that.
The session lasted an hour and she asked me to see her a fortnight later and to fill in a mood chart, now people who went to Brunel with me will know that I hate opening up and documenting bullshit about my feelings and thoughts, im a northern lad who likes to keep an air of mystery about myself!
Anyway she gave me some other drugs to take, 50mg or Sertraline, an anti-depressant, and 400mg of Quitiepine, an anti-psychotic. At this stage the voices in my head were getting more sinister and they seemed to still be coming from 'inside' my head, but there now seemed to be 4 or 5 prevalent voices to go along with the chitter-chatter that was a constant. The personalised voices would say things like they were there to look after me and that i am invincible, then in thee next breath telling me to harm myself and good, after all im invincible right? The lying fucking bastards, my arms and legs are like ribbons now. On particularly deep cut to my right forearm saw me take a trip to A&E where I was referred to a Mental Health Crisis Team, who have been in touch with me almost daily now for a month.
Alongside all of this my 'out', one of the things keeping me going, along with my fantastic family and friends my Football team were winning game after game, and we sit top of the league at present, I seem to be canny at this footy management lark! though when we do lose I react to it badly, it plays on my mind for days and days, what could I have done, why didn’t I tell me left back to get on the wingers toes rather than behind him for that throw, I have to be the best, second place to me is first loser and that wont do. Im obsessive about it, just another string to the bow, OCD, cupboards immaculate, clothes ordered dark to light, counting everything in a 4/4 beat, etc
All of these things and the mood chart added up to a bi-polar disorder style illness, all of this made my mind run more and more overtime, the incessant checking of symptoms on internet sites, the crisis team contacting me, trips to the docs and again to the psychiatrist, the drugs, the lack of sleep, putting weight on for no particular reason all should be making me better but im so confused I don’t know what to do for the best at times.
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