Into December

Schitzo-affective disorder?

After researching visual hallucinations, audio hallucinations deep depression, crazy mania and every other fucking mental illness under the sun im plumping for Schitzo-affective disorder, this is seemingly half way between schitzophrenia and bi-polar disorder, this week I have been assesed by an Early Intervention Psychosis team, the Crisis team have been in contact every day. Ive been to my GP and seen both a junior psychiatrist, who gave me some belting little tablets called Lorazepam, which got me 2 consecutive nights kip and then stopped working and Dr Ryman. None of these professionals have yet given me a proper diagnosis, this is proper starting to fuck me right off to be honest, as I say, im impatient, but I feel if I know what im facing i'll be able to battle the bastard better. Is Dr Ryman a psychologist or psychiatrist? whats the difference? anyway, shes weaning me off the quitiepine and onto something stronger called Risperidone, so hopefully that will help get rid of these evil fucking cunts who are destroying my very being.

The hallucinations this week have been mental. Really really mental, blokes in stovepipe hats, everyone I look at has just plain black eyes, people watching and assesing my every move, I now feel as though the voices are not inside my head but are the thoughts of other people (hallucinations and real) around me, this has made me paronoid in the extreme, I went to Sainsburys in Silky today with the mother and as I was walking through the middle of the aisles everyone was staring at me and were moving in slow motion, like a bad acid trip, the strip lighting in these places doesnt help those of a fucked up disposition I must say.

I have however this evening found out that Martin O'Neil, a fucking grade A manager, has taken over at my beloved Sunderland and I felt. Nothing, FUCKING NOTHING. Usually id be buzzing like a fridge at this news, I feel like im dead inside at times. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I went to the stables with my Bro and his lass, and Patty and Mel and I managed to stay an hour and didnt drink. Small steps eh? At present big Ray is sitting down here with me as I think (trying to tap into his thoughts, am I a jedi?) he thinks im going to do something stupid, and I honestly cant say I wont. Day at a time? Fucking minute at a time....