The North

In my mind moving back to the north east was a great thing, id sorted out starting a new Football Club, The Colliery Tavern which would start playing next season, although even as it was happening I wasn’t as happy as I could have been, should have been even. Still I felt like I was just watching my life roll by. When I arrived in Hexham, a beautiful historic small town on the Tyne river, it is really quaint and quiet and exactly what I think I need. The first few weeks were OK, I was spending my time trying to find a job and signed onto the dole, a disheartening and depressing experience in itself, even in such a lovely place. At this time the voices were still there and seemed to becoming more prominent, but I found some solace in some fellow mackems who lived up near my new base and went along to football training with them. With my first touch I dispossessed a defender and with the second stroked the ball into the net. All downhill from there! I played 2 games for The Anchor and quite enjoyed the banter and that but I don’t think many of the lads took to me as I scored in my second game and no bugger celebrated with me, haha!! Actually that is one of the things I look back on often as I don’t really understand why it went that way, I don’t think I done anything to offend anyone but I often analyse small things that have happened that become big issues in my mind and cause me anxiety.

Alex noticed that my moods and swings were getting more frequent and worse, and from this I went back to the doctor, this time I saw a doctor in a big medical centre who again seemed to pass it off as a phase but gave me some Prozac, this time though I knew my condition was worsening so I went back after a while and asked to see another Doc, this time I got Dr Thompson, who took a lot of time to listen, talk and help and re assure me that I could get better over time, she kept me on Prozac, which I took for a few months in different doses, again this didn't really touch the depression which was getting worse, to the point where I would spend days on end just knocking about the house watching Rachel Reilly and Jeff lad on Countdown or Georgie on Sky Sports News, I also watched a lot of cricket which was a bonus. Cricket is my kind of sport, one where you have to think and use different strategies to outwit your mortal enemy.

Eventually I went to get a tattoo of a Mexican sugar skull, to signify a new start, i've got 5 tatts now, I enjoy the pain I think. While I was there I was chatting to the lad doing the inking, he mentioned that he had a client who was in my line of work(ish) and passed her number on. I rang up on the Friday, got an interview on the following Tuesday and got offered a job as a residential care worker in Durham on the Wednesday. Things looking up!! If only, I really should have been happy at this, living home, fresh start, new job, seeing mates, family loads... But still, still the emptiness and dispear took hold, and the depression worsened. In between bouts of depression I had one really mad episode where I slept about 3 hours a night for a week and had more energy than I have ever had, like id been at the amphetamines constantly, back to the doc I went, this time she refereed me to a mental health team as she felt I was becoming out of control and needed a proper assessment. As she felt that I had the signs of Bipolar disorder.