So then, after last weeks one day of positivity I got, what I thought was just a sickness bug and have been throwing up for 5 days, 5 fucking day, what the hells that all about?!! well, i'll tell yer what its about, its called Labarynthitis and its an inner ear infection which basically makes you feel sick and dizzy all the time, as if you had a hangover, its bloody shit i can tell you now. I'd rather have the shits, at least you know where you are with the shits.
Anyhow with all of this going on it really set me back and i'd become really wound up and frustrated, withdrawn and stuff, it knocked me for six to be honest and at times i couldn't see a way out, a way of finding any kind of positivity at all, i must have been a 'mare for everyone around me, so for that i'll appologise. soz like.
This 'down' episode felt like a crash and as id been quite positive the previous few days i, and the fella from the crisis team, reckoned i was almost manic for a few days, it's strange though as theres still this underlying depression and bleak outlook on everything at the minute, like ive been telling everyone that im alrighat and getting better but i don't actually believe it myself as ive seen little to no improvement over the last few day, labarynthitis or not. Putting a brave face on it can be hard sometimes as im sure people im talking to can see that im a wreck, i look knackered off not sleeping much and im so spaced and lack concentration that its unreal, sometimes i like the manic me though cos i get loads done, plan stuff better and things, but then again its concentration, ive got none at all really, even writing these blogs is a canny big struggle and takes me coming back to them 2 or 3 times. The depression has led to cutting again this week, though ive managed to keep it on my legs rather than the arms which is a positive step i think, the thing with it is, i like it and to stop something you like is really hard, for example drinking and taking drugs (not had any, this weeks going to be big though, hoping to stay strong on that front), cutting, etc.
It also led to some really fucking bad hallucinations, dead people lying next to me in bed and knocking about in the bedroom, flesh rotting from thier faces, like melting away and hanging off, they said nowt, they were just 'there', that freaked me out a canny bit i don't mind admitting, the night it happened i had only been watching 'planet earth' on DVD so it wasn't as if id been watching any mad films or anything. For the first time too ive seen people i recognise who i think have been trying to communicate with me, both of my grandads who have 'told' (more me reading their thoughts i think, i cant work it out really) that im going to be ok and will get better eventually, strange but strangely comforting too.
Im a big fan of Christmas so im actually looking forward to this week, once ive got my 6 appointments out the way, Crisis team (not seeing them again unless its an emergency), phsycologist, Doctor (twice), brain scan (they wont find owt there!!) and something else that i can't remember, i'll have to ask Alex or me Mam. Christmas is being planned like a miliary operation, Stop at ours Xmas eve, up early, then to Lucys, me Mam and Dads, Alex's dad, back to my mam and dad for dinner, Alex's Mams then aunty Wendys and maybe our Christophers later, just cos he doesn't like people round on Christmas day night. So all in all that should keep me occupied, im hoping to chip in and help make the dinner if i get any time to as well.
I want to sign this off by offering my best wishes to Kingy who is getting an operation today on his eye socket from a challenge made playing for the Tav, he won the challenge (as always) and is going to be a huge miss to my team as he's a t'rffic player the boy (as uncle 'arry would say).
No comments:
Post a Comment