Well I got what would normally be some good news on December 6th, instead of being eleated and overjoyed, again I felt nothing but emptiness, I feel so selfish in a way and my voices told me how utterly useless I am and what a waste of time my life is, laughing at me, mocking me and generally being horrible.
Alex's Sister. Lucy was off work today so she wanted to do something so we thought we might brave the metro-centre, while there we met Jonesy and went for a bite to eat, Jonesy's a Pharmacist and so we talked a bit about my tablets and what changes had been made, he tells me that the new ones are supposedly better and more potent that the Quitiepine and hopefully after a little while will start to work and get rid of the hallucinations. I have to say that without Alex there I really had to concentrate on keeping it together, trying not to show that I could read peoples thoughtas and not the stare at things that I didnt know were actually there or not. For a quick bit of respite I went to toilet, hit the wall, I dont think my knuckle is ever going to get better at this rate.
During the day I took Diazepam twice n that helped a bit, still hallucinating though, thoughts and eyes. Saw Anna in morning from the early intervention in psychosis team and we seem to just cover the same ground with each and every appointment, i was in there for an hour and in my mind i can't pin point anything that will have started this off. I explained to her that the first few years at school i was quite shy but then as I grew older i grew more confident and was a lot more outgoing, throughout school/ college/ uni ive always just done enough to get by, not really applied myself much as i didnt really want to stand out too much though i have an overwhelming drive to always have to be in control in any situation I am in.
After the Metro (where i managed to trick Alex into giving me more money than she should have and I got her some great (hopefully) Christmas presents) I went through to Sunderland, I got to mams at 3.30, slept!! For an hour, again though I found that I couldn't really get motivated for football training, even thouugh I knew once I was there i would find that as I had to concentrate on that it would hopefully ease my symptoms a bit, which it has done at times (not all the time, sometimes its too much and I just end up going bezerk at people and arguing with them.).
To get over the fact that i didnt want to go to football i tried to rake myself round by having a shower to liven myself up a bit, it was at this point that i cut legs and arm really bad again, the worst and deepest I had cut in a long while, dunno whether or not to hoy some pics up on here, probabaly not, for now at least. I cut both arms twice and both thighs once each, when i got into the shower the water washed the blood away, the bottom of the shower cubicle was all red, again I felt nothing, kept thinking how happy I should be and still no excitement. I just feel as though im in some sort of Zombie state, detached from the world, detatched from my own body, eventually i got ready and got a lift off Fraser (Pavel Nedved/ Sheldon Cooper, absolutely smashing lad, couple of weeks ago he stopped me cutting my hand in our mates car with scissors).
I think i need to get more routines and organised. Football was ok, I'm not as good as I could/ should be, lots of running and it kept my mind a little busy even if fleetingly. When I got home it began raining when everyone went to bed, I snuck outside n just stood n let it wash over me. Didn't feel the cold just a repetitive chant like voice saying what are you doing you ficking idiot. Came back in when I saw 2 people in garden, surely not real though, its pretty difficult to get into the garden, and with that weather why would they be there anyway.
Other strange occurances that have been happening, not sure if i've mentioned them yet are that sometimes when i try to type or put numbers into the telephone the numbers move around on phone, for example if i try to hit the 'y' key it will move to where the 'd' key should be and similarly this happenens with the phone, this is massively frustrating, especially when im trying to contact people that are important, such as the crisis team or whoever. Also when I go into the (extremely tidy and well ordered, OCD you see) Cupboard the food moves around in the cupboard, this has left me hungry on more than one occasion, its as if the food doesn't want me to get it, and again the voices laugh at me for these things. Along with the OCD i have got a mania for cleanliness, i think i'll be punished if everything isn't clean and tidy, which includes myself, this has led me on more than one occassion to shave all of my body hair off from the neck down, which i realise is fucking weird but i dont care, if it helps me get through this hell then people can think what they like, i can read their thoughts for the most part anyway so fuck 'em.
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