Since my last post I have mostly been in Sunderland, Friday night I didnt have any Diazepam or Lorazepam so I called the Doctors and after much discussion she (not my usual doc) agreed to write me a prescription for both to get me through the weekend, Alex was coming through to Sunderland so she went to pick up the prescription for me, unfortunetly by the time she got there the surgery was closed, and it remains so until monday morning. this was a bit of a blow and made me get quite worked up and anxious as well as amplifying the hallucinations a bit and the voices taking the piss. I was mentally exahuasted at this point and I just sat alone in the Living room and broke down for a bit, sliced a few nasty cuts into my arm until my mam discovered me and comforted me. I then thought i could try to ring the crisis team to see if they could contact somewhere in Sunderland so I could pick up some tablets. After a lengthy discussion with them they decided i would need to go and see a doctor, the only one I could go to would be the walk in centre and I couldnt face it becasue of the waiting and the people watching and looking and judging and their thoughts weirding me out, so I decided id just try to ride it out.
Friday evening, as i have already touched on I went to the pub with my bro and had 3 pints of lime and soda, and left after about an hour as it was too full and i was freaking out seeing flashes of black and different people in my peripheral vision which i was told weren't there. I was glad i'd gone and stuck it out for an hour but its annoying the fuck out of me that its stopping me doing normal boring things, going shopping, going to the pub, driving, fuck sake its driving me even madder.
Saturday my mate Patty, who's a top lad, kept me occupied, firstly we went into Sunderland and watched the mags lose to chelsea, we met 2 other mates in Varsity, glad we went there as it was quiet and that kept me at a decent level of calmness. Post scum defeat we went to meet another mate, Malla, who I really like as a lad, funny, sound and chilled to fuck, and we went up to watch our mate, Mick play for Seaham Red Star, it was bastard freezing in Seaham but the match was pretty action packed, I saw some 'extra' people on the opposite side of the pitch that seemed to have an 'aura' about them, I asked the lads if they could see them and they confirmed my fears that they couldn't, the voices then started to take the piss telling me i was losing my marbles and that i was a fucking idiot and i should just fuck off. I tried my best to not let it show that it was getting to me.
At half time of the match we got some Bovril and a Snickers in, Malla reccomended a dash of pepper to liven it up, to be fair to him it was a shout like, proper worked. Lush.
Red Star looked a bit all over and lack lustre if im honest and the keeper looked pretty poor, he compounded a bad game with the last kick, the score at 3-3, he went to clear and it hit the back of the oppo forward and trickled in. Defeat. This sparked a brawl, I wanted part of it and went to join the melee urged on by the voices, invicible eh? until i realised it was a canny fucking stupid thing to do and walked back to the car to a chorus of derision from them people around me, inside me? who knows. Oh and i had to listen to Malla whinge about his achillies, the daft twat didnt have any socks on, what did he expect?
After Red Star it was back to town where we popped into Patty's work, also the work place of my best mate Rossi, had a bit chat with him and i felt a bit more relaxed though i was wishing, not for the first time that day, that id had some diazepam. What felt like hours later me and Patty went down Greens to take in Villa v Man u, again we found a quiet spot and i wasn't 'too' worked up, Kingy joined us at half time and as it got a bit later and busier again the aggitation and frustration built up and i was happy to leave at full time. Kingy dropped me at my mam and dads and went to pick up Alex and her Sister, Lucy, from the train station (they'd been to Edinbourgh) he was due to pick me up after but i happily fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up in time for Match of the Day and was awake until about 4 am. I was back up at 8 to get sorted for football.
Sunday morning i got all the footy gear ready and i said to my mam that i didnt think i could face having to go to the game, but as im the manager and with my overwhelming want, no need, to be the absolute number 1, with a lot of encouragement off I went with Kingy. The match went well and we won 7-2, The voices at times have been unbearable and the peripheral visions and different people who i think are looking and taling about me got me riled right up, again i fought it and tried to join in with the crack on the sideline, my dad comes to watch the team too which helps calm me, and the lads are great. With the win we are now 5 points clear at the top of the league, this should make me feel amzing but I have this overall feeling that we aren't good enough at times and we have achieved nothing so far.
In the Tav after the game one of the lads, Collinsy, noticed the cuts on my arms so I explained to those who were there what the crack with it was, they seemed taken aback by it but no one really said a lot, the voices mocked me and the pub looked busier than it was due to a table where 2 'aura' men in victorian clothing were sitting. The whole time they were mocking me and telling me i had to hurt myself, and badly, if i was to prove how invincibile i was. As ever I tried to hold it together and had to go to the toilet a couple of times to vent my frustration on the wall.
Alex picked me up and we came back home to Hexham, we popped into Tescos and it was hell on earth with all of the judging thoughts and people looking and freaking me out, again the strip lighting and coldness of the building doesnt help at all, i held on to Alex as tight as i could until we got out of there and went home, where i usually feel safest and watched Sunderland snatch a defeat from the jaws of victory with a typically frustrating performance, at present i am desperate from some sleep, but im not tired and some respite from the voices and the frustration but as I type its just getting too much, im going to go for a walk, then a bath then read something or watch a dvd and hope to get some sleep as the crisis team are coming tomorrow with my new drugs, and i can pick up my prescription for friday, this coming week i have 4 appointments with people, hopefully i'll get a bit further on and find out what it is thats making me like this. This isn't me at all I just want it to go away.
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