I have today been to just one appointment! Imagine that. It was with my regular head doc, Dr Ryman, strangely I thought i was getting no better really, if anything i thought i was staying the same, but after seeing my GP yesterday and getting a prescription on temazepam i took one of them with my last quitiepine and my rispiridol last night after taking some diazepam during the day, on no food, which had me spaced out to fuck, haha. I went to bed at 9pm and didnt get up til 9am. I feel much better for that, the voices in my head have lowered slightly and ive felt a bit better in myself today for the first time in about 4 months, i can actually see the positives in things a bit. Ive decided after a couple of texts from Rye mac and Rossi and a phone call from Jonesy that its time to try my utmost to stop the cutting, especially on my arms as the scars are going to be there in some cases forever and do i want that? no, i dont think so.
Last week i had had thoughts about and planned how i would end it all, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that i shouldnt and that that was selfish, no matter how bad i felt and how much the voices were egging me on, or how weird the visions had been. Today I realised that that was stupid and that i have quite a bit to live for, family, the best bunch of friends, mind you get to know who your mates really are at times like this, for fucks sake i want to see Sunderland in Europe and I want to get the Tav into the top league so thats gonna keep me going for a bit yet, actually i might be the same age as yoda before sunderland get into europe ;)
Anyway the doc said i only have to see GP every 2 weeks, 1 Pyschiatrist, 1 Psychologist alternate 2 weeks and the crisis team a couple more times, and that theres plenty of scope to increase the dose of new tablets next time and hopefully everything will start to get a bit easier, this sound like a lot but its loads less than at present. Im hoping that along with the sleep the rispiredol is starting to work although i know i cant expect miricales just yet, but im getting more used to the hallucinations and while its stopping me doing some important stuff it does mean that i am coping a bit better, i feel that today a little weight has lifted, a bit like when frankie rattled in the equaliser at the SOL on sunday. And even if i have to live my whole life with the hallucinations and/or voices i think that for the most part i'll be able to manage them, with support from those around me and with a lot of work on my part. one step at a time though....
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