A quick blog about some awful stuff.

People.

So as i havent blogged in ages i thought id maybe try and pick back up on it and what a better wat to start then to tell you about what happened last night. But first a bit of background since my last blog.

In august, Leia, out first daughter was born and my whole life revolves around her now! Id been almost quite stable with my new mix of meds, and just getting fleeting ups and downs, the hallucinations and voices hadf still been present and during the birth, in the actual birthing room i saw my grand dad. he's been dead for donkeys years, completely overwhelming crack, i just sat there on the floor trying to comprehend what was going on, him being in the room, sort of watching over us and this new baby being born at the same time. crazy stuff.

As the weeks have gone on i have slipped a bit from my looking after myself, not doing as much of the relaxation techniques and drinking more, all of which culminated in a terrible day out when Sunderland were due to play Reading, id been ok but suddenly just changed, it was bad, i was arguing with the voice and shit, my mate Burny, top lad, took me back to my Mam and Dads and I stayed there as it was better i stayed away from the baby while i sorted myself out.

In this time the ups and downs have gotten more frequent, I am currently in a massive down period that has lasted 3 weeks, which is really long for me and its still killing me that i am not the lad i used to be. I think that i havent yet come to terms fully with the implications of this illness, what impact it has on me and on those around me, which sometimes makes me seem a bit selfish I suppose, but then i dont think people really relaise whats going on inside my head, I think they think that the baby being born was going to be some kind of miricle fix and that id change. It hasn't worked like that though and i cant just snap out of it. In fact ive been using really negative coping mechanisms really, hiding my illness at work, at home, at football, cutting, drinking to excess....

I think the only way to try and control these bouts is to stop drinking COMPLETELY, ive managed to stop taking drugs so im sure somehow i can do it, be more open, and try and be more physically healthy to hopefully better my mental health. Eat better, do a little exercise if i can.

So onto last night.

I was sitting with Leia trying to give Alex a rest just watching Man U in the champions league and the voices in my head were getting louder and more nasty, i'll not say what they were saying, and this co-incided with Leia crying, now when she crys the voices generally get louder to compete for centre stage, this stresses me out somewhat and makes me very anxious, this battle wen ton a little while, Leia got more stressed and the voices got louder to the point where she was screaming and they were yelling. At this point i saw a figure out of the corner of my eye outside in the garden and as i turned away there was a faceless figure in the room with us, i instinctivly pulled Leia closer to protect her but as i looked down at her her eyes had turned jet black and she was just staring at me. I was completely freaked out, shaking. I took her in to Alex and went outside to have a smoke and try and clam down (another bad coping strategy) as i came back in i was still shaking and the faceless man was there again. Alex was pissed off at me smoking, The anxiety was so overpowering i had to rush to the toilet to be sick. It was absolutely horrible.

Thats only happened once before when i was driving and there was 2 faceless bastards in the car with me, i had to pull over and get out. The brain is a fucking strange and powerful thing...

Long time no blog!

Hello

Just a bit about being 'manic' as im feeling a bit like that today, i know i havent blogged for a while so a quick update. Im now on Venlafaxine which is a pretty powerful anti depressant, its some kind of miricle drug. Im not better, not by a hell of a long way but small steps are being taken, my highs and lows are further spaced out and dont last as long, they are still pretty intense and im still no further on with the hallucinations but i can only go at the pace the illness allows.

Anywho, MANIA!

Im so happy today, Euphoric, high as a kite, like an ecstasy rush, a million things going on in my head, a million creative ideas, photographs? painting? songwriting? BLOGGING, i want to do it all, get out there and see the world, experience stuff, enjoy every minute. Looking forward to the baby coming! Colours everywhere, brighter and better, seeing the world in a different light.

This is the good side of this illness, its a brief respite from the other type of mania that usually follows a day or 2 of this, and from the depression.

The other 'mania' that i get is a nervous mania, cant sit still, thoughts racing (not all good) aggitation, irritation and paranioa, its hell on earth but luckily it only seems to last for a day, day and a half, but it always follows the 'good' mania.

Anyways thats a quick update for now, best get back to work. i seem to get a lot done when i feel like this.

Quick update as i havent posted in a bit.

I havent written for a while, so im writing now.

Since last writing I have been put in touch with a CPN, a Community psychiatric nurse, have stopped seeing the EIP, Early Intervention Programme people and am still in regular contact with my psychiatrist and my GP. Things havent been going great, suprise suprise, as I have been weaned off my sertraline, which is an anti depressant, and have had my lamotrigine, a mood stabiliser, increased, as well as the anti-psychotic, risperidone, has also been increased. Lamotrigine is supposed to have anti depressant qualities but I have found that that doesnt seem to be the case for me, at times over this last few weeks ive been the lowest ive ever been, lower than a snakes belly, it's been a daily, constant torture. Along with the depression I seem to, instead of getting euphoric highs, the flip side to my lows, that in fact run along side them are just a constant barrage of agitation and frustration, I get so wound up that I lash out at things, doing damage to myself!

My lows have got me a constant emotional wreck and I keep breaking down often for periods and then getting more wound up by the illness, the situation, I can't live in this state, surely theres an answer out there, but how long is it going to take to find one. The only two things that ive found that have worked slightly have been self harming, which offers a very brief respite but leaves physical scars that are likely to take years to go away, and drugs ending in 'pam' like diazepam, which, when I take a fairly high dose, help to bring me down a little. Unfortuneatly they won't administer Diazepam all the time as its supposedly addictive, so sometimes ive just got to ride it out which frustrates me even more.

Last night I was going through a particularly bad phase so we rang the crisis team to see if they could help or get me some diazepam, during the day I had spent time thinking of ways of ending it all, I still don't think I will but at present ive been battling this for months and seem to have gotten nowhere so it would be the ultimate way out. Obvious drawbacks to this are that i'll be brown bread and wont see my daughter born and wont experience anything else ever again, unless theres an afterlife in which case the grass could be greener, but even then you might carry your lifes afflictions with you so it would be out of the frying pan into the fire, who knows, im not particularly religious so don't know a lot about this sort of sketch. Anyway what was I saying? Oh aye, the crisis team woman told me that they'd have to send a team out to assess me as id been pretty bad but that would take a few hours, the other option was to ring the out of hours doctors, so I tried that. I was on the phone to them for 25 minutes and she just asked me a million questions about my illness etc that id answered a million times before, she then said she'd speak to the crisis team. She called back and said that they had decided that the best thing to do was for the crisis team to come out and see me. Frustrating as fuck. This is one of them times ive just got to ride it out. In the end I got so wound up I exhausted myself and fell asleep before they could arrive, Alex rang them back and told them to not come as I was going to bed. I know the crisis team help and that and so do the doctors but I felt I was in need of some medication then and the left me to my own devices a bit. The problem with trying to sleep it off and sleep through it are that I need sleep as and when, I dont really sleep for any period of time, maybe 2-3 hours then im awake for and hour or 2 then get back off for and hour or so, this winds me up too although it might come in handy when the babys born like!

The last time I went to see my phsychiatrist she diagnosed me with borderline personallity disoerder along with the bipolar, I think this is where my frustration, anger and agitation comes from, the flips in mood and not knowing whats coming next, the two of them together are a formidable team and im finding it hard to cope, in fact I think im at breaking point near enough, I always thought I was quite strong of mind and strong willed but these illnesses are testing me to my limits, im so glad I have a good support network of family and friends and I feel so sorry for those that have no one, I dont know how they cope, although sometimes I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone I know that without them all this would be a lot worse.

My plan is today to see the CPN and see what comes of that, also im going to ask her about my meds, see if theres something that can be done to get me back on a form of anti-depressant to try and raise my mood a little, I know theres no magic cure but im trying, im not drinking as that makes me worse, im trying relaxation techniques and meditation. Im trying to clean up my diet as much as I can too, but im hoping above all that they find some medication that starts to work a bit better. I think the mood stabaliser may be taking the edge off the highs, maybe I just havent had any for a while, but im hoping its the drugs, but I need something the stop the crushing lows now.

The anti-phsychotics dont seem to be touching the hallucinations either, although I feel im dealing with them a bit more, the noise in my head is insane at times and I still see the faceless visions all over the place and im wary of reflective surfaces and really badly lit places as I feel im being watched still but all of that is getting a bit easier to cope with compared to the feelings. It would be nice if they pissed off like but im getting used to the idea that they are going to be around for a long time.

Oh yeah, the Tav got promoted too, first time of asking.

The meeting with the CPN went ok, she gave me some info about anxiety, which is a bit confusing as it doesn't all fit with my symptoms, she thinks i'm doing ok, and that I should carry on my life as normally as I can and to have structure to my days, this is obviously easier said than done, especially when you have appointments all over at all different time, thus stopping me going to work etc. She said that she would get me an appointment with the Psychiatric Doc so I could see about my medicine. Im going to push to get on a new anti-depressant to see if I can balance these low moods out a little bit. To be honest id rather go back to feeling empty, numb than feeling like this.

12/4/12

My normal Pdoc is off this week so ive seen a different one and as nice as she is she decided she couldnt put me on any more anti-depressants without my usual doc giving it the go ahead first, so im going to have to wait a while, bit of a shitter. Im a bit disapointed about it as i'll have to live through this shit for a bit longer, I thought it was bad while I was on the sertraline but this is a different level. Maybe if I get on something else, maybe a bit stronger. I'll see what my doc says when I see her next.

A strange week...

This week i've seen a change in myself, i have now accepted, i think, what i am up against, and i have realised that all the talking therapy and all the different medications that can be offered are just going to go a little way to relieving the symptoms, im not saying they wont work at all, ever, but they haven't really so far, for me.

This has led to a period of deep depression where i have been looking at the world in a way thats not the most cheery, ive been looking at different forums around the disease and how other people have been effected and have learned, or are learning to cope the best they can.Most say the same things, find something you like and focus on that, focus on keeping your mind relaxed, focus on keeping busy. All of the things im trying to do anyway so maybe im on the right track there, after last Sunday i thought long and hard about my football team, and wether  i wanted to carry on into next season. i feel that the job is unappreciated a lot of the time and its easy for people to moan and bitch all the time without knowing the effort and work that goes into keeping things ticking over, then the other side of it is, its fucking great crack, its class when you win and i realy enjoy it for the most part though i do feel 'vacant' a lot of the time, i wonder how much of that comes across at times!

Ive thought about other things i want to do, go to Sunderland away games again, but last Saturday i did stuff i shouldna't and it set me back and led to me selling my ticket for the cup tie with Everton, i, and everyone around me, feel im not up to a full day away just yet, they are probably right, one step at a time, one day at a time, one fucking hour at a fucking time sometimes, most of the time!

Im interested in photography, art and stuff but my concentration span is that short and my perfectionism is such that id lose interest quickly or if things weren't going as i felt they should.

I like walking and in going to do more of that i think, especially when the baby arrives i can take it out on long walks and maybe that will help me too.

Ive been getting to work as much as i can too, though my concentration and memory are shot to bits so i leave early when i need to and getting up in the mornings, is, in itself a massive battle some days, i get tired really easy when im on a downward spiral too so i have to sleep when i can and at strange times. I think im doing ok in the work regard, though i feel that when im a bit better at coping i'll be able to offer a lot more than just doing the odd jobs and that that im doing at the minute.

One thing that has helped quite a bit is that Alex got me to brainstorm everything that was going on in my head then she looked at ways of making them better, trying to see a brighter side to stuff, it was a great effort from her and i think it helped me a little to comparmentalise things a little bit, the OCD helping out a bit there. Unfortunately it was found that i was stressed out by a number of things, moving house, the baby and thinking i am not equipt to cope with looking after it on my own, or whether ill be trusted to, the voices and visions are still a nightmare, really negative and sinister, hopefully i'll learn how to deal with them a bit better too.

Over and out. For now.

its been a while...

Since last writing i have been in a massive down cycle, the cutting and loneliness and feelings of nothingness have been hard. These are things that i am coping a bit better with though, things that are becoming normal. I dont think that my tablets are doing much good and they are taking down my anti depressant and giving me a new one soon, fingers crossed for a better, more effective one there. If it was just depression i think id cope a bit better but it isnt.

Those problems and everything that comes across with this illness are not all easy to cope with though, especially the hallucinations, auditory and visual. those are at an all time high at the moment and im really struggling to cope, im paraniod that im being watched, i see this sort of faceless person and people everywhere, in my house, in reflections, in other buildings, even when i close my eyes, all this and the voices in my head constantly telling me im being watched and telling me what to do. Fighting against them is an absolute war, a huge battle, im really not coping well with all that at all, people keep telling me i seem ok and seem to be getting better, i dont think i am at all, im just putting on this act that is so hard to keep up at all times its unbelievable, At work, with friends, at football, at the match, its all too much sometimes and i just want to fuck off on my own, but then im on my own with all this shit going on and seeing all these people watching me all the time and im fucked then too. catch 22!.

When im in a manic or hyper manic state the noise gets unbearble and i'll cut myself or punch things to try and feel something, so theres something else to focus on, this is a real quick fix but the scars are going to be theere a long time so i need another way of coping. I have an appointment tomorrow and im going to tryy and stress thatt i want to change my meds and i need some coping strategies, they keep saying i seem to have a good knowledge and that im always well presented, this is due to my cleanliness OCD!, aand because i have a good knowledge and can hold a conversation it doesnt mean im getting any better, it just means its scary as fuck and the longer it goes on the worse it gets.

The ups and downs are really close together at the moment too and im experiencing whats called a 'mixed state' at the minute which is an up and the down at the same time, its fucking impossible to know if your coming or going, really tiring work, i look forward to the time when my body crashes through exhaustion and i can sleep forr a bit, rather than the 2-3 hours a night here and there. Its kind of like being isolated all on your own in a black hole that you cant escape but at the same time having a million thoughts in your head, a million ideas all vying for prominence in your brain and all this nervous energy, and loads of physical energy too, really restless and jumpy.

Someone suggest some stuff i could do to take my mind off it and quieten the voices down a bit, i think all of this is going to be with me forever so im getting my head round that, even the hallucinations bit of it. But at the minute i dont know if im strong enough to keep this kind of cover-up act up, i dont want to get to a point where i need hospital treatment or owt but im feeling my grip slipping and i think that might not be far off.

More ups and mostly downs

This past couple of weeks i've started keeping a bit of a diary/scrapbook of stuff thats been happening, this is because it'll make it easier to write this blog and also because my memory is really poor at the minute so anything that can help with that can only be good.

As i'd said previously theres some really positive things happening at the minute, im back, albeit on a bit of a part time, when im up to it, at work for my dad which i have found i can do almost full days but my concentration is bad and when i lose it i start to get really agitated, also my football team are still a source of positivity, though at times i find it hard to deal with people spitting dummies out over trivial things and Sunderland are on a good run, i've forgot what that felt like!! obviously all this with Alex being pregnant are all stuff that should have me bouncing, so why then do I still feel empty and like everythings fucking shite?

Ive been really down this last couple of weeks, culminating in coming very very close to ending it all a couple of saturdays ago, i sat with a razor blade on my wrist for an hour while i thought everything through and luckily bottled doing it. thank fuck. I get the feeling that i am a shadow of my former self now and that im never going to return to the way i am, i know that this is mostly for good, as i wont be out drinking too much and taking drugs, i'll be a more rounded person hopefully but finding things to fill the void of the highs that drinking and taking drugs gave me is proving to be really fucking hard, and mostly i dont want to be just some boring cunt, yer know what i mean? I just need to somehow come to terms with it and realise that this is now my lot and im going to need to deal with it, easier said than done that though.

Ove this last 2 weeks ive also been getting some really radgie hallucinations, eyes in mirrors and people watching me all the time, watching watching, always watching. still seeing victorian style people about the place to, as well as extra people, flashes of colour, other stuff, people who seem to be dead, these ones are mostly at night. Theres some rooms i cant sleep properly in due to the hallucinations i have when im in them. really crazy shit.

The voices have been a constant battle recently too, the 'white noise' whispering has increased in volume and the more direct ones have been more nasty and sinister, im sure you can imagine the phrases they come out with and what i hear. it's all some mad stuff really.

I went to Boro away in the cup this week too, didnt really enjoy it like i used to, though it was good in parts, same as arsenal at home and the tav winning 7-0 today, at the sunderland matches i enjoyed it but i still felt alone in the crowd, like there was no one else around, no one else would understand what im feeling and all the rest of that self pittying wank. The Tav match i enjoy the stress of it a bit more as i can directly do stuff about whats happening, even still though the buzz, if you like, lasts the duration of the game then bang, back to nothingness.

Again i ask, if anyone can suggest anything to help, please feel free.

End of Jan update

Evening ladies and gentlemen, hope we are all fit and well.

Just though id do a bit of an update, the last week or so ive been in a huge deep rut of depression, sleeping loads, then not sleeping at all, being sick too yesterday and today, which isn't helping, maybe should have went to the doc today as i was sicking up blood during the night, seems to have settled a bit again now though, maybe its this labarynthitis that keeps coming and going, i think that its down to the fact that my body is so fucked up at the minute that i seem to be catching every little bug going and stuff. I am absolutely sick to death of not being myself, didnt enjoy the match again on sunday and didnt really enjoy the tav match either, this, for those who know me well, is, well, riduclous. Football is my number 1 passion and to be numb to the rollercoaster of it is hurting me.

On the plus side we found out a while back that Alex is expecting our first child so that is something for me to hold on to and something else for me to help me through times like this and hopefully help me to stay a bit stronger, its strange really though but sometimes it doesnt feel real and again i feel numb to everything.

I seem to be getting more used to the hallucinations, both visual and auditory although they are still there all the fucking bastard time and i get caught out with them sometimes, making me look a bit, ermm mental! the thing is they are never nice, always bad. if anyone saw 'whitechapel' last night the bit with the killer on the ceilling? thats a bit like what gans on in my nut sometimes!

Its doing my nut that i cant get to work full time either though they are really understanding, its not my nature to be off a lot, i like to be busy and to be at work so this is a huge source of frustration.

My mates, i have to say are blinding, im not going to go into the gritty details here but the lads i go to the match with have been massive for me the last couple of weeks. i love you all deeply! gaaayyyyyyyy

If anyone has any suggestions or questions please give me a shout. i'll try anything to help me get better. and im running out of ideas.

Its been a while

The last few weeks have been a book of cliches, up and down, day at a time, setbacks, false dawns...

I've been told that the hallucinations probably won't ever go away, so im trying to find ways of coping with them, i think i am a bit, but at times they still bcome too much. Also, id had that brain scan that was a bit like that bit off clockwork orange, no not that bit, filthy basttards. flashing lights in me eyes and blinking on command, anyway nowt showed up on that so they have ruled out epilepsy and the like, which is actual quite a relief as i kknow know it is bi-polar, i know a bit more about what im facing.

The last time i saw my phsychiatrist she mentioned that i might have rapid cycling bi polar as im up and down a lot, A LOT, in a matter of days i can be rock bottom and thinking of ways of well, thinking really shitty thoughts, and then within days i'll be, bang, right up on a high again. i dunno wether im coming or going at times like, i realy dont. I have also had a new tablet to join my daily cocktail, 'lactimel' which is meant to help with the depression part of it and to level it out at both ends, a mood stabiliser, as yet its done fuck all, but its early days.

'' Bipolar literature is extremely confused about the terminology, and the term rapid cycling is used to mean very different things. If you go from one episode DIRECTLY into another type of episode, with no normal mood period in between, this is a "switch," which is usually considered worse than just plain rapid cycling. Again, I am talking about the original description of rapid cycling. Nowadays, all kinds of different patterns of illness are all mixed up together under the heading of "rapid cycling."

Above, that describes me i think.

I've also packed in my care work job as i dont see a time when ill be able to fully carry out that kind of work again, which is a shame butt ultimiately for the best. I have started to help out at my dads place with no pressure on being there all the time and stuff but even that has been a massive battle, massive, the mind is a fucking crazy thing and mine has got me fucked up at the minute, i just want to be better, want to be back to being my old self. i kow that ths isn't ever going to happen and i have to change my lifestyle. i had a drink at the match yesterday and this was a fucking stupid idea but its a void that needs filling and as yet i dunno how to fil it. im bored really and its going to take me ages to get over it i think. back to the cliches. small fucking steps.

Ps. somehow my football team are still top and we still keep winning most weeks, i dunno how im managing to  manage it but it seems like second nature and as much as i feel alone a lot of the time im glad i am still  doing it, and the lads are a smashing bunch. its keeping me going actually, id be lost without it. The psychologist thinks im a perfectionist, this is probably true and that comes through with the football, i don't just want to win, i want to be the best, i want us to win to 0 every week.

Xmas and New Year

Alreet everyone? or no-one!

As was expected Christmas and New Year would provide a big challenge, mostly on the not drinking front, I managed most of it other than the Colliery Tavern FC Christmas party, which was canny good, but again as i was having a drink i found that it was a bit of a waste of time as it was making me feel pretty rough, that added to the Labryinthitis, which i seemingly still have! and my medication made me feel canny shit all in all. On top of this I got talking to one of the lads about drugs and he flat refused to let me in on any, which was superb from him, shows people give a fuck even if my self destruct button is screaming out to be pressed. I can't thank him enough, i won't name him but he knows who he is.

This was the only time i touched any alcohol over the festive period, the rest of the time was spent getting stressed by the numerous family gatherings on xmas day and around other days, there seemed to be no escape from places, too many people there and i felt too clostrophobic at times and had to leave places early. I nearly even left the Sunderland V Everton match as i was so wound up for some reason, its been quite hard going to the match as my mate Dixon, hasn't been able to get to the last 3 so i've sat/ stood with my brother in the first halfs and then sat next to my mam and dad for the second halfs, ive been in my own world most of the time and have been still hallucinating so being in these big crowds haven;t been the best.

Other than all thats going on Christmas was good, seeing everyone and stuff is always good, even if, at times i know im not 'with it' and then i feel as though other people are treating me in a strange way.

What ive learend from 2011 is that Mental Health issues can effect anyone, the brain is a massively powerful and fragile organ, some of the stuff ive heard and seen in the last few months have been bizarre, and continue to be so, im getting more and more used to it now though and i think i can tell when things aren't real and are. though on boxing day i saw 'rod hull and emu' at the match at half time, my mam must have seen me looking and told me they were real haha.

Also i seem to have put on 2 1/2 stone on and i want to lose 3 so the hard work for that has started, im determined to beat or control this illness a bit better. The last time i saw the phychiatrist she told me that im a perfectionist, hence the ocd and stress and that wont be helping with the bi-polar and that if i can focus on stuff and think differently about stuff that might help. who knows, thats it for now, i think ive missed loads out but my memory os shot to bits so tough shit. Laters.