Evening ladies and gentlemen, hope we are all fit and well.
Just though id do a bit of an update, the last week or so ive been in a huge deep rut of depression, sleeping loads, then not sleeping at all, being sick too yesterday and today, which isn't helping, maybe should have went to the doc today as i was sicking up blood during the night, seems to have settled a bit again now though, maybe its this labarynthitis that keeps coming and going, i think that its down to the fact that my body is so fucked up at the minute that i seem to be catching every little bug going and stuff. I am absolutely sick to death of not being myself, didnt enjoy the match again on sunday and didnt really enjoy the tav match either, this, for those who know me well, is, well, riduclous. Football is my number 1 passion and to be numb to the rollercoaster of it is hurting me.
On the plus side we found out a while back that Alex is expecting our first child so that is something for me to hold on to and something else for me to help me through times like this and hopefully help me to stay a bit stronger, its strange really though but sometimes it doesnt feel real and again i feel numb to everything.
I seem to be getting more used to the hallucinations, both visual and auditory although they are still there all the fucking bastard time and i get caught out with them sometimes, making me look a bit, ermm mental! the thing is they are never nice, always bad. if anyone saw 'whitechapel' last night the bit with the killer on the ceilling? thats a bit like what gans on in my nut sometimes!
Its doing my nut that i cant get to work full time either though they are really understanding, its not my nature to be off a lot, i like to be busy and to be at work so this is a huge source of frustration.
My mates, i have to say are blinding, im not going to go into the gritty details here but the lads i go to the match with have been massive for me the last couple of weeks. i love you all deeply! gaaayyyyyyyy
If anyone has any suggestions or questions please give me a shout. i'll try anything to help me get better. and im running out of ideas.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Its been a while
The last few weeks have been a book of cliches, up and down, day at a time, setbacks, false dawns...
I've been told that the hallucinations probably won't ever go away, so im trying to find ways of coping with them, i think i am a bit, but at times they still bcome too much. Also, id had that brain scan that was a bit like that bit off clockwork orange, no not that bit, filthy basttards. flashing lights in me eyes and blinking on command, anyway nowt showed up on that so they have ruled out epilepsy and the like, which is actual quite a relief as i kknow know it is bi-polar, i know a bit more about what im facing.
The last time i saw my phsychiatrist she mentioned that i might have rapid cycling bi polar as im up and down a lot, A LOT, in a matter of days i can be rock bottom and thinking of ways of well, thinking really shitty thoughts, and then within days i'll be, bang, right up on a high again. i dunno wether im coming or going at times like, i realy dont. I have also had a new tablet to join my daily cocktail, 'lactimel' which is meant to help with the depression part of it and to level it out at both ends, a mood stabiliser, as yet its done fuck all, but its early days.
'' Bipolar literature is extremely confused about the terminology, and the term rapid cycling is used to mean very different things. If you go from one episode DIRECTLY into another type of episode, with no normal mood period in between, this is a "switch," which is usually considered worse than just plain rapid cycling. Again, I am talking about the original description of rapid cycling. Nowadays, all kinds of different patterns of illness are all mixed up together under the heading of "rapid cycling."
Above, that describes me i think.
I've also packed in my care work job as i dont see a time when ill be able to fully carry out that kind of work again, which is a shame butt ultimiately for the best. I have started to help out at my dads place with no pressure on being there all the time and stuff but even that has been a massive battle, massive, the mind is a fucking crazy thing and mine has got me fucked up at the minute, i just want to be better, want to be back to being my old self. i kow that ths isn't ever going to happen and i have to change my lifestyle. i had a drink at the match yesterday and this was a fucking stupid idea but its a void that needs filling and as yet i dunno how to fil it. im bored really and its going to take me ages to get over it i think. back to the cliches. small fucking steps.
Ps. somehow my football team are still top and we still keep winning most weeks, i dunno how im managing to manage it but it seems like second nature and as much as i feel alone a lot of the time im glad i am still doing it, and the lads are a smashing bunch. its keeping me going actually, id be lost without it. The psychologist thinks im a perfectionist, this is probably true and that comes through with the football, i don't just want to win, i want to be the best, i want us to win to 0 every week.
I've been told that the hallucinations probably won't ever go away, so im trying to find ways of coping with them, i think i am a bit, but at times they still bcome too much. Also, id had that brain scan that was a bit like that bit off clockwork orange, no not that bit, filthy basttards. flashing lights in me eyes and blinking on command, anyway nowt showed up on that so they have ruled out epilepsy and the like, which is actual quite a relief as i kknow know it is bi-polar, i know a bit more about what im facing.
The last time i saw my phsychiatrist she mentioned that i might have rapid cycling bi polar as im up and down a lot, A LOT, in a matter of days i can be rock bottom and thinking of ways of well, thinking really shitty thoughts, and then within days i'll be, bang, right up on a high again. i dunno wether im coming or going at times like, i realy dont. I have also had a new tablet to join my daily cocktail, 'lactimel' which is meant to help with the depression part of it and to level it out at both ends, a mood stabiliser, as yet its done fuck all, but its early days.
'' Bipolar literature is extremely confused about the terminology, and the term rapid cycling is used to mean very different things. If you go from one episode DIRECTLY into another type of episode, with no normal mood period in between, this is a "switch," which is usually considered worse than just plain rapid cycling. Again, I am talking about the original description of rapid cycling. Nowadays, all kinds of different patterns of illness are all mixed up together under the heading of "rapid cycling."
Above, that describes me i think.
I've also packed in my care work job as i dont see a time when ill be able to fully carry out that kind of work again, which is a shame butt ultimiately for the best. I have started to help out at my dads place with no pressure on being there all the time and stuff but even that has been a massive battle, massive, the mind is a fucking crazy thing and mine has got me fucked up at the minute, i just want to be better, want to be back to being my old self. i kow that ths isn't ever going to happen and i have to change my lifestyle. i had a drink at the match yesterday and this was a fucking stupid idea but its a void that needs filling and as yet i dunno how to fil it. im bored really and its going to take me ages to get over it i think. back to the cliches. small fucking steps.
Ps. somehow my football team are still top and we still keep winning most weeks, i dunno how im managing to manage it but it seems like second nature and as much as i feel alone a lot of the time im glad i am still doing it, and the lads are a smashing bunch. its keeping me going actually, id be lost without it. The psychologist thinks im a perfectionist, this is probably true and that comes through with the football, i don't just want to win, i want to be the best, i want us to win to 0 every week.
Monday, 2 January 2012
Xmas and New Year
Alreet everyone? or no-one!
As was expected Christmas and New Year would provide a big challenge, mostly on the not drinking front, I managed most of it other than the Colliery Tavern FC Christmas party, which was canny good, but again as i was having a drink i found that it was a bit of a waste of time as it was making me feel pretty rough, that added to the Labryinthitis, which i seemingly still have! and my medication made me feel canny shit all in all. On top of this I got talking to one of the lads about drugs and he flat refused to let me in on any, which was superb from him, shows people give a fuck even if my self destruct button is screaming out to be pressed. I can't thank him enough, i won't name him but he knows who he is.
This was the only time i touched any alcohol over the festive period, the rest of the time was spent getting stressed by the numerous family gatherings on xmas day and around other days, there seemed to be no escape from places, too many people there and i felt too clostrophobic at times and had to leave places early. I nearly even left the Sunderland V Everton match as i was so wound up for some reason, its been quite hard going to the match as my mate Dixon, hasn't been able to get to the last 3 so i've sat/ stood with my brother in the first halfs and then sat next to my mam and dad for the second halfs, ive been in my own world most of the time and have been still hallucinating so being in these big crowds haven;t been the best.
Other than all thats going on Christmas was good, seeing everyone and stuff is always good, even if, at times i know im not 'with it' and then i feel as though other people are treating me in a strange way.
What ive learend from 2011 is that Mental Health issues can effect anyone, the brain is a massively powerful and fragile organ, some of the stuff ive heard and seen in the last few months have been bizarre, and continue to be so, im getting more and more used to it now though and i think i can tell when things aren't real and are. though on boxing day i saw 'rod hull and emu' at the match at half time, my mam must have seen me looking and told me they were real haha.
Also i seem to have put on 2 1/2 stone on and i want to lose 3 so the hard work for that has started, im determined to beat or control this illness a bit better. The last time i saw the phychiatrist she told me that im a perfectionist, hence the ocd and stress and that wont be helping with the bi-polar and that if i can focus on stuff and think differently about stuff that might help. who knows, thats it for now, i think ive missed loads out but my memory os shot to bits so tough shit. Laters.
As was expected Christmas and New Year would provide a big challenge, mostly on the not drinking front, I managed most of it other than the Colliery Tavern FC Christmas party, which was canny good, but again as i was having a drink i found that it was a bit of a waste of time as it was making me feel pretty rough, that added to the Labryinthitis, which i seemingly still have! and my medication made me feel canny shit all in all. On top of this I got talking to one of the lads about drugs and he flat refused to let me in on any, which was superb from him, shows people give a fuck even if my self destruct button is screaming out to be pressed. I can't thank him enough, i won't name him but he knows who he is.
This was the only time i touched any alcohol over the festive period, the rest of the time was spent getting stressed by the numerous family gatherings on xmas day and around other days, there seemed to be no escape from places, too many people there and i felt too clostrophobic at times and had to leave places early. I nearly even left the Sunderland V Everton match as i was so wound up for some reason, its been quite hard going to the match as my mate Dixon, hasn't been able to get to the last 3 so i've sat/ stood with my brother in the first halfs and then sat next to my mam and dad for the second halfs, ive been in my own world most of the time and have been still hallucinating so being in these big crowds haven;t been the best.
Other than all thats going on Christmas was good, seeing everyone and stuff is always good, even if, at times i know im not 'with it' and then i feel as though other people are treating me in a strange way.
What ive learend from 2011 is that Mental Health issues can effect anyone, the brain is a massively powerful and fragile organ, some of the stuff ive heard and seen in the last few months have been bizarre, and continue to be so, im getting more and more used to it now though and i think i can tell when things aren't real and are. though on boxing day i saw 'rod hull and emu' at the match at half time, my mam must have seen me looking and told me they were real haha.
Also i seem to have put on 2 1/2 stone on and i want to lose 3 so the hard work for that has started, im determined to beat or control this illness a bit better. The last time i saw the phychiatrist she told me that im a perfectionist, hence the ocd and stress and that wont be helping with the bi-polar and that if i can focus on stuff and think differently about stuff that might help. who knows, thats it for now, i think ive missed loads out but my memory os shot to bits so tough shit. Laters.
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