Its been a while

The last few weeks have been a book of cliches, up and down, day at a time, setbacks, false dawns...

I've been told that the hallucinations probably won't ever go away, so im trying to find ways of coping with them, i think i am a bit, but at times they still bcome too much. Also, id had that brain scan that was a bit like that bit off clockwork orange, no not that bit, filthy basttards. flashing lights in me eyes and blinking on command, anyway nowt showed up on that so they have ruled out epilepsy and the like, which is actual quite a relief as i kknow know it is bi-polar, i know a bit more about what im facing.

The last time i saw my phsychiatrist she mentioned that i might have rapid cycling bi polar as im up and down a lot, A LOT, in a matter of days i can be rock bottom and thinking of ways of well, thinking really shitty thoughts, and then within days i'll be, bang, right up on a high again. i dunno wether im coming or going at times like, i realy dont. I have also had a new tablet to join my daily cocktail, 'lactimel' which is meant to help with the depression part of it and to level it out at both ends, a mood stabiliser, as yet its done fuck all, but its early days.

'' Bipolar literature is extremely confused about the terminology, and the term rapid cycling is used to mean very different things. If you go from one episode DIRECTLY into another type of episode, with no normal mood period in between, this is a "switch," which is usually considered worse than just plain rapid cycling. Again, I am talking about the original description of rapid cycling. Nowadays, all kinds of different patterns of illness are all mixed up together under the heading of "rapid cycling."

Above, that describes me i think.

I've also packed in my care work job as i dont see a time when ill be able to fully carry out that kind of work again, which is a shame butt ultimiately for the best. I have started to help out at my dads place with no pressure on being there all the time and stuff but even that has been a massive battle, massive, the mind is a fucking crazy thing and mine has got me fucked up at the minute, i just want to be better, want to be back to being my old self. i kow that ths isn't ever going to happen and i have to change my lifestyle. i had a drink at the match yesterday and this was a fucking stupid idea but its a void that needs filling and as yet i dunno how to fil it. im bored really and its going to take me ages to get over it i think. back to the cliches. small fucking steps.

Ps. somehow my football team are still top and we still keep winning most weeks, i dunno how im managing to  manage it but it seems like second nature and as much as i feel alone a lot of the time im glad i am still  doing it, and the lads are a smashing bunch. its keeping me going actually, id be lost without it. The psychologist thinks im a perfectionist, this is probably true and that comes through with the football, i don't just want to win, i want to be the best, i want us to win to 0 every week.