This past couple of weeks i've started keeping a bit of a diary/scrapbook of stuff thats been happening, this is because it'll make it easier to write this blog and also because my memory is really poor at the minute so anything that can help with that can only be good.
As i'd said previously theres some really positive things happening at the minute, im back, albeit on a bit of a part time, when im up to it, at work for my dad which i have found i can do almost full days but my concentration is bad and when i lose it i start to get really agitated, also my football team are still a source of positivity, though at times i find it hard to deal with people spitting dummies out over trivial things and Sunderland are on a good run, i've forgot what that felt like!! obviously all this with Alex being pregnant are all stuff that should have me bouncing, so why then do I still feel empty and like everythings fucking shite?
Ive been really down this last couple of weeks, culminating in coming very very close to ending it all a couple of saturdays ago, i sat with a razor blade on my wrist for an hour while i thought everything through and luckily bottled doing it. thank fuck. I get the feeling that i am a shadow of my former self now and that im never going to return to the way i am, i know that this is mostly for good, as i wont be out drinking too much and taking drugs, i'll be a more rounded person hopefully but finding things to fill the void of the highs that drinking and taking drugs gave me is proving to be really fucking hard, and mostly i dont want to be just some boring cunt, yer know what i mean? I just need to somehow come to terms with it and realise that this is now my lot and im going to need to deal with it, easier said than done that though.
Ove this last 2 weeks ive also been getting some really radgie hallucinations, eyes in mirrors and people watching me all the time, watching watching, always watching. still seeing victorian style people about the place to, as well as extra people, flashes of colour, other stuff, people who seem to be dead, these ones are mostly at night. Theres some rooms i cant sleep properly in due to the hallucinations i have when im in them. really crazy shit.
The voices have been a constant battle recently too, the 'white noise' whispering has increased in volume and the more direct ones have been more nasty and sinister, im sure you can imagine the phrases they come out with and what i hear. it's all some mad stuff really.
I went to Boro away in the cup this week too, didnt really enjoy it like i used to, though it was good in parts, same as arsenal at home and the tav winning 7-0 today, at the sunderland matches i enjoyed it but i still felt alone in the crowd, like there was no one else around, no one else would understand what im feeling and all the rest of that self pittying wank. The Tav match i enjoy the stress of it a bit more as i can directly do stuff about whats happening, even still though the buzz, if you like, lasts the duration of the game then bang, back to nothingness.
Again i ask, if anyone can suggest anything to help, please feel free.
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