This week i've seen a change in myself, i have now accepted, i think, what i am up against, and i have realised that all the talking therapy and all the different medications that can be offered are just going to go a little way to relieving the symptoms, im not saying they wont work at all, ever, but they haven't really so far, for me.
This has led to a period of deep depression where i have been looking at the world in a way thats not the most cheery, ive been looking at different forums around the disease and how other people have been effected and have learned, or are learning to cope the best they can.Most say the same things, find something you like and focus on that, focus on keeping your mind relaxed, focus on keeping busy. All of the things im trying to do anyway so maybe im on the right track there, after last Sunday i thought long and hard about my football team, and wether i wanted to carry on into next season. i feel that the job is unappreciated a lot of the time and its easy for people to moan and bitch all the time without knowing the effort and work that goes into keeping things ticking over, then the other side of it is, its fucking great crack, its class when you win and i realy enjoy it for the most part though i do feel 'vacant' a lot of the time, i wonder how much of that comes across at times!
Ive thought about other things i want to do, go to Sunderland away games again, but last Saturday i did stuff i shouldna't and it set me back and led to me selling my ticket for the cup tie with Everton, i, and everyone around me, feel im not up to a full day away just yet, they are probably right, one step at a time, one day at a time, one fucking hour at a fucking time sometimes, most of the time!
Im interested in photography, art and stuff but my concentration span is that short and my perfectionism is such that id lose interest quickly or if things weren't going as i felt they should.
I like walking and in going to do more of that i think, especially when the baby arrives i can take it out on long walks and maybe that will help me too.
Ive been getting to work as much as i can too, though my concentration and memory are shot to bits so i leave early when i need to and getting up in the mornings, is, in itself a massive battle some days, i get tired really easy when im on a downward spiral too so i have to sleep when i can and at strange times. I think im doing ok in the work regard, though i feel that when im a bit better at coping i'll be able to offer a lot more than just doing the odd jobs and that that im doing at the minute.
One thing that has helped quite a bit is that Alex got me to brainstorm everything that was going on in my head then she looked at ways of making them better, trying to see a brighter side to stuff, it was a great effort from her and i think it helped me a little to comparmentalise things a little bit, the OCD helping out a bit there. Unfortunately it was found that i was stressed out by a number of things, moving house, the baby and thinking i am not equipt to cope with looking after it on my own, or whether ill be trusted to, the voices and visions are still a nightmare, really negative and sinister, hopefully i'll learn how to deal with them a bit better too.
Over and out. For now.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Thursday, 1 March 2012
its been a while...
Since last writing i have been in a massive down cycle, the cutting and loneliness and feelings of nothingness have been hard. These are things that i am coping a bit better with though, things that are becoming normal. I dont think that my tablets are doing much good and they are taking down my anti depressant and giving me a new one soon, fingers crossed for a better, more effective one there. If it was just depression i think id cope a bit better but it isnt.
Those problems and everything that comes across with this illness are not all easy to cope with though, especially the hallucinations, auditory and visual. those are at an all time high at the moment and im really struggling to cope, im paraniod that im being watched, i see this sort of faceless person and people everywhere, in my house, in reflections, in other buildings, even when i close my eyes, all this and the voices in my head constantly telling me im being watched and telling me what to do. Fighting against them is an absolute war, a huge battle, im really not coping well with all that at all, people keep telling me i seem ok and seem to be getting better, i dont think i am at all, im just putting on this act that is so hard to keep up at all times its unbelievable, At work, with friends, at football, at the match, its all too much sometimes and i just want to fuck off on my own, but then im on my own with all this shit going on and seeing all these people watching me all the time and im fucked then too. catch 22!.
When im in a manic or hyper manic state the noise gets unbearble and i'll cut myself or punch things to try and feel something, so theres something else to focus on, this is a real quick fix but the scars are going to be theere a long time so i need another way of coping. I have an appointment tomorrow and im going to tryy and stress thatt i want to change my meds and i need some coping strategies, they keep saying i seem to have a good knowledge and that im always well presented, this is due to my cleanliness OCD!, aand because i have a good knowledge and can hold a conversation it doesnt mean im getting any better, it just means its scary as fuck and the longer it goes on the worse it gets.
The ups and downs are really close together at the moment too and im experiencing whats called a 'mixed state' at the minute which is an up and the down at the same time, its fucking impossible to know if your coming or going, really tiring work, i look forward to the time when my body crashes through exhaustion and i can sleep forr a bit, rather than the 2-3 hours a night here and there. Its kind of like being isolated all on your own in a black hole that you cant escape but at the same time having a million thoughts in your head, a million ideas all vying for prominence in your brain and all this nervous energy, and loads of physical energy too, really restless and jumpy.
Someone suggest some stuff i could do to take my mind off it and quieten the voices down a bit, i think all of this is going to be with me forever so im getting my head round that, even the hallucinations bit of it. But at the minute i dont know if im strong enough to keep this kind of cover-up act up, i dont want to get to a point where i need hospital treatment or owt but im feeling my grip slipping and i think that might not be far off.
Those problems and everything that comes across with this illness are not all easy to cope with though, especially the hallucinations, auditory and visual. those are at an all time high at the moment and im really struggling to cope, im paraniod that im being watched, i see this sort of faceless person and people everywhere, in my house, in reflections, in other buildings, even when i close my eyes, all this and the voices in my head constantly telling me im being watched and telling me what to do. Fighting against them is an absolute war, a huge battle, im really not coping well with all that at all, people keep telling me i seem ok and seem to be getting better, i dont think i am at all, im just putting on this act that is so hard to keep up at all times its unbelievable, At work, with friends, at football, at the match, its all too much sometimes and i just want to fuck off on my own, but then im on my own with all this shit going on and seeing all these people watching me all the time and im fucked then too. catch 22!.
When im in a manic or hyper manic state the noise gets unbearble and i'll cut myself or punch things to try and feel something, so theres something else to focus on, this is a real quick fix but the scars are going to be theere a long time so i need another way of coping. I have an appointment tomorrow and im going to tryy and stress thatt i want to change my meds and i need some coping strategies, they keep saying i seem to have a good knowledge and that im always well presented, this is due to my cleanliness OCD!, aand because i have a good knowledge and can hold a conversation it doesnt mean im getting any better, it just means its scary as fuck and the longer it goes on the worse it gets.
The ups and downs are really close together at the moment too and im experiencing whats called a 'mixed state' at the minute which is an up and the down at the same time, its fucking impossible to know if your coming or going, really tiring work, i look forward to the time when my body crashes through exhaustion and i can sleep forr a bit, rather than the 2-3 hours a night here and there. Its kind of like being isolated all on your own in a black hole that you cant escape but at the same time having a million thoughts in your head, a million ideas all vying for prominence in your brain and all this nervous energy, and loads of physical energy too, really restless and jumpy.
Someone suggest some stuff i could do to take my mind off it and quieten the voices down a bit, i think all of this is going to be with me forever so im getting my head round that, even the hallucinations bit of it. But at the minute i dont know if im strong enough to keep this kind of cover-up act up, i dont want to get to a point where i need hospital treatment or owt but im feeling my grip slipping and i think that might not be far off.
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