its been a while...

Since last writing i have been in a massive down cycle, the cutting and loneliness and feelings of nothingness have been hard. These are things that i am coping a bit better with though, things that are becoming normal. I dont think that my tablets are doing much good and they are taking down my anti depressant and giving me a new one soon, fingers crossed for a better, more effective one there. If it was just depression i think id cope a bit better but it isnt.

Those problems and everything that comes across with this illness are not all easy to cope with though, especially the hallucinations, auditory and visual. those are at an all time high at the moment and im really struggling to cope, im paraniod that im being watched, i see this sort of faceless person and people everywhere, in my house, in reflections, in other buildings, even when i close my eyes, all this and the voices in my head constantly telling me im being watched and telling me what to do. Fighting against them is an absolute war, a huge battle, im really not coping well with all that at all, people keep telling me i seem ok and seem to be getting better, i dont think i am at all, im just putting on this act that is so hard to keep up at all times its unbelievable, At work, with friends, at football, at the match, its all too much sometimes and i just want to fuck off on my own, but then im on my own with all this shit going on and seeing all these people watching me all the time and im fucked then too. catch 22!.

When im in a manic or hyper manic state the noise gets unbearble and i'll cut myself or punch things to try and feel something, so theres something else to focus on, this is a real quick fix but the scars are going to be theere a long time so i need another way of coping. I have an appointment tomorrow and im going to tryy and stress thatt i want to change my meds and i need some coping strategies, they keep saying i seem to have a good knowledge and that im always well presented, this is due to my cleanliness OCD!, aand because i have a good knowledge and can hold a conversation it doesnt mean im getting any better, it just means its scary as fuck and the longer it goes on the worse it gets.

The ups and downs are really close together at the moment too and im experiencing whats called a 'mixed state' at the minute which is an up and the down at the same time, its fucking impossible to know if your coming or going, really tiring work, i look forward to the time when my body crashes through exhaustion and i can sleep forr a bit, rather than the 2-3 hours a night here and there. Its kind of like being isolated all on your own in a black hole that you cant escape but at the same time having a million thoughts in your head, a million ideas all vying for prominence in your brain and all this nervous energy, and loads of physical energy too, really restless and jumpy.

Someone suggest some stuff i could do to take my mind off it and quieten the voices down a bit, i think all of this is going to be with me forever so im getting my head round that, even the hallucinations bit of it. But at the minute i dont know if im strong enough to keep this kind of cover-up act up, i dont want to get to a point where i need hospital treatment or owt but im feeling my grip slipping and i think that might not be far off.