This week i've seen a change in myself, i have now accepted, i think, what i am up against, and i have realised that all the talking therapy and all the different medications that can be offered are just going to go a little way to relieving the symptoms, im not saying they wont work at all, ever, but they haven't really so far, for me.
This has led to a period of deep depression where i have been looking at the world in a way thats not the most cheery, ive been looking at different forums around the disease and how other people have been effected and have learned, or are learning to cope the best they can.Most say the same things, find something you like and focus on that, focus on keeping your mind relaxed, focus on keeping busy. All of the things im trying to do anyway so maybe im on the right track there, after last Sunday i thought long and hard about my football team, and wether i wanted to carry on into next season. i feel that the job is unappreciated a lot of the time and its easy for people to moan and bitch all the time without knowing the effort and work that goes into keeping things ticking over, then the other side of it is, its fucking great crack, its class when you win and i realy enjoy it for the most part though i do feel 'vacant' a lot of the time, i wonder how much of that comes across at times!
Ive thought about other things i want to do, go to Sunderland away games again, but last Saturday i did stuff i shouldna't and it set me back and led to me selling my ticket for the cup tie with Everton, i, and everyone around me, feel im not up to a full day away just yet, they are probably right, one step at a time, one day at a time, one fucking hour at a fucking time sometimes, most of the time!
Im interested in photography, art and stuff but my concentration span is that short and my perfectionism is such that id lose interest quickly or if things weren't going as i felt they should.
I like walking and in going to do more of that i think, especially when the baby arrives i can take it out on long walks and maybe that will help me too.
Ive been getting to work as much as i can too, though my concentration and memory are shot to bits so i leave early when i need to and getting up in the mornings, is, in itself a massive battle some days, i get tired really easy when im on a downward spiral too so i have to sleep when i can and at strange times. I think im doing ok in the work regard, though i feel that when im a bit better at coping i'll be able to offer a lot more than just doing the odd jobs and that that im doing at the minute.
One thing that has helped quite a bit is that Alex got me to brainstorm everything that was going on in my head then she looked at ways of making them better, trying to see a brighter side to stuff, it was a great effort from her and i think it helped me a little to comparmentalise things a little bit, the OCD helping out a bit there. Unfortunately it was found that i was stressed out by a number of things, moving house, the baby and thinking i am not equipt to cope with looking after it on my own, or whether ill be trusted to, the voices and visions are still a nightmare, really negative and sinister, hopefully i'll learn how to deal with them a bit better too.
Over and out. For now.
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