Quick update as i havent posted in a bit.

I havent written for a while, so im writing now.

Since last writing I have been put in touch with a CPN, a Community psychiatric nurse, have stopped seeing the EIP, Early Intervention Programme people and am still in regular contact with my psychiatrist and my GP. Things havent been going great, suprise suprise, as I have been weaned off my sertraline, which is an anti depressant, and have had my lamotrigine, a mood stabiliser, increased, as well as the anti-psychotic, risperidone, has also been increased. Lamotrigine is supposed to have anti depressant qualities but I have found that that doesnt seem to be the case for me, at times over this last few weeks ive been the lowest ive ever been, lower than a snakes belly, it's been a daily, constant torture. Along with the depression I seem to, instead of getting euphoric highs, the flip side to my lows, that in fact run along side them are just a constant barrage of agitation and frustration, I get so wound up that I lash out at things, doing damage to myself!

My lows have got me a constant emotional wreck and I keep breaking down often for periods and then getting more wound up by the illness, the situation, I can't live in this state, surely theres an answer out there, but how long is it going to take to find one. The only two things that ive found that have worked slightly have been self harming, which offers a very brief respite but leaves physical scars that are likely to take years to go away, and drugs ending in 'pam' like diazepam, which, when I take a fairly high dose, help to bring me down a little. Unfortuneatly they won't administer Diazepam all the time as its supposedly addictive, so sometimes ive just got to ride it out which frustrates me even more.

Last night I was going through a particularly bad phase so we rang the crisis team to see if they could help or get me some diazepam, during the day I had spent time thinking of ways of ending it all, I still don't think I will but at present ive been battling this for months and seem to have gotten nowhere so it would be the ultimate way out. Obvious drawbacks to this are that i'll be brown bread and wont see my daughter born and wont experience anything else ever again, unless theres an afterlife in which case the grass could be greener, but even then you might carry your lifes afflictions with you so it would be out of the frying pan into the fire, who knows, im not particularly religious so don't know a lot about this sort of sketch. Anyway what was I saying? Oh aye, the crisis team woman told me that they'd have to send a team out to assess me as id been pretty bad but that would take a few hours, the other option was to ring the out of hours doctors, so I tried that. I was on the phone to them for 25 minutes and she just asked me a million questions about my illness etc that id answered a million times before, she then said she'd speak to the crisis team. She called back and said that they had decided that the best thing to do was for the crisis team to come out and see me. Frustrating as fuck. This is one of them times ive just got to ride it out. In the end I got so wound up I exhausted myself and fell asleep before they could arrive, Alex rang them back and told them to not come as I was going to bed. I know the crisis team help and that and so do the doctors but I felt I was in need of some medication then and the left me to my own devices a bit. The problem with trying to sleep it off and sleep through it are that I need sleep as and when, I dont really sleep for any period of time, maybe 2-3 hours then im awake for and hour or 2 then get back off for and hour or so, this winds me up too although it might come in handy when the babys born like!

The last time I went to see my phsychiatrist she diagnosed me with borderline personallity disoerder along with the bipolar, I think this is where my frustration, anger and agitation comes from, the flips in mood and not knowing whats coming next, the two of them together are a formidable team and im finding it hard to cope, in fact I think im at breaking point near enough, I always thought I was quite strong of mind and strong willed but these illnesses are testing me to my limits, im so glad I have a good support network of family and friends and I feel so sorry for those that have no one, I dont know how they cope, although sometimes I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone I know that without them all this would be a lot worse.

My plan is today to see the CPN and see what comes of that, also im going to ask her about my meds, see if theres something that can be done to get me back on a form of anti-depressant to try and raise my mood a little, I know theres no magic cure but im trying, im not drinking as that makes me worse, im trying relaxation techniques and meditation. Im trying to clean up my diet as much as I can too, but im hoping above all that they find some medication that starts to work a bit better. I think the mood stabaliser may be taking the edge off the highs, maybe I just havent had any for a while, but im hoping its the drugs, but I need something the stop the crushing lows now.

The anti-phsychotics dont seem to be touching the hallucinations either, although I feel im dealing with them a bit more, the noise in my head is insane at times and I still see the faceless visions all over the place and im wary of reflective surfaces and really badly lit places as I feel im being watched still but all of that is getting a bit easier to cope with compared to the feelings. It would be nice if they pissed off like but im getting used to the idea that they are going to be around for a long time.

Oh yeah, the Tav got promoted too, first time of asking.

The meeting with the CPN went ok, she gave me some info about anxiety, which is a bit confusing as it doesn't all fit with my symptoms, she thinks i'm doing ok, and that I should carry on my life as normally as I can and to have structure to my days, this is obviously easier said than done, especially when you have appointments all over at all different time, thus stopping me going to work etc. She said that she would get me an appointment with the Psychiatric Doc so I could see about my medicine. Im going to push to get on a new anti-depressant to see if I can balance these low moods out a little bit. To be honest id rather go back to feeling empty, numb than feeling like this.

12/4/12

My normal Pdoc is off this week so ive seen a different one and as nice as she is she decided she couldnt put me on any more anti-depressants without my usual doc giving it the go ahead first, so im going to have to wait a while, bit of a shitter. Im a bit disapointed about it as i'll have to live through this shit for a bit longer, I thought it was bad while I was on the sertraline but this is a different level. Maybe if I get on something else, maybe a bit stronger. I'll see what my doc says when I see her next.