People.
So as i havent blogged in ages i thought id maybe try and pick back up on it and what a better wat to start then to tell you about what happened last night. But first a bit of background since my last blog.
In august, Leia, out first daughter was born and my whole life revolves around her now! Id been almost quite stable with my new mix of meds, and just getting fleeting ups and downs, the hallucinations and voices hadf still been present and during the birth, in the actual birthing room i saw my grand dad. he's been dead for donkeys years, completely overwhelming crack, i just sat there on the floor trying to comprehend what was going on, him being in the room, sort of watching over us and this new baby being born at the same time. crazy stuff.
As the weeks have gone on i have slipped a bit from my looking after myself, not doing as much of the relaxation techniques and drinking more, all of which culminated in a terrible day out when Sunderland were due to play Reading, id been ok but suddenly just changed, it was bad, i was arguing with the voice and shit, my mate Burny, top lad, took me back to my Mam and Dads and I stayed there as it was better i stayed away from the baby while i sorted myself out.
In this time the ups and downs have gotten more frequent, I am currently in a massive down period that has lasted 3 weeks, which is really long for me and its still killing me that i am not the lad i used to be. I think that i havent yet come to terms fully with the implications of this illness, what impact it has on me and on those around me, which sometimes makes me seem a bit selfish I suppose, but then i dont think people really relaise whats going on inside my head, I think they think that the baby being born was going to be some kind of miricle fix and that id change. It hasn't worked like that though and i cant just snap out of it. In fact ive been using really negative coping mechanisms really, hiding my illness at work, at home, at football, cutting, drinking to excess....
I think the only way to try and control these bouts is to stop drinking COMPLETELY, ive managed to stop taking drugs so im sure somehow i can do it, be more open, and try and be more physically healthy to hopefully better my mental health. Eat better, do a little exercise if i can.
So onto last night.
I was sitting with Leia trying to give Alex a rest just watching Man U in the champions league and the voices in my head were getting louder and more nasty, i'll not say what they were saying, and this co-incided with Leia crying, now when she crys the voices generally get louder to compete for centre stage, this stresses me out somewhat and makes me very anxious, this battle wen ton a little while, Leia got more stressed and the voices got louder to the point where she was screaming and they were yelling. At this point i saw a figure out of the corner of my eye outside in the garden and as i turned away there was a faceless figure in the room with us, i instinctivly pulled Leia closer to protect her but as i looked down at her her eyes had turned jet black and she was just staring at me. I was completely freaked out, shaking. I took her in to Alex and went outside to have a smoke and try and clam down (another bad coping strategy) as i came back in i was still shaking and the faceless man was there again. Alex was pissed off at me smoking, The anxiety was so overpowering i had to rush to the toilet to be sick. It was absolutely horrible.
Thats only happened once before when i was driving and there was 2 faceless bastards in the car with me, i had to pull over and get out. The brain is a fucking strange and powerful thing...
