Might end up getting somewhere soon...

Getting my haircut yesterday I had to take my glasses off, without them I can see much at all, sitting facing a mirror is bad enough but 100% more stressful when I cant see anything. Then this happened. Im sitting there trying to not to show that im too stressed when one of ‘them’ appeared in the mirror. Staring at me, it stayed there ages. Proper freaky as I could see ‘it’ no bother, like I would see anyone else if I had my glasses on, usually I wear contacts so ive never experienced that before like. Very very weird.

Also ive been thinking  about what I need to say to the gp about getting a quick referral to a psychiatrist privately, when me and Alex went through it all then its no the wonder things aren’t great. Diagnoses in Hexham was bipolar and borderline, they were going to re-asses this to see if I leaned more towards the schitzoaffective side of things. However they didn’t get around to it as I left the area. Got put in a sort of purgatory state in Sunderland by being placed with an Eip support worker who tried her best ut didn’t really have much insight into my problems. They decided that they didn’t need to see my notes or history from Hexham so just went with what she thought, I constantly disagreed with this support worker as I didn’t feel she was listening. She sat in on 2 sessions when I saw their team doc, he went with what she said rather than listening to what I had to say. I think this process has knocked my confidence somewhat and I feel back to square one. They taked about emotional dis regulation, I can handle my ups and downs for the most part, its the hallucinations and voices that are the biggest problem. They decided they would transfer me to a new team who deal with non-psychosis problems. Non-psychoisis, joking or what? If you see things that aren’t there, think that people are out to kill you, hear peoples thoughts, have voices commenting on you and constant noise in your head, what is that if not psychotic symptoms? Anyway the eip support worker sat in on an appointment where I met the woman who was  going to be my new worker, everything I said the eip worker contradicted and tried to push the new woman down a different track rather than listening to what was actually happening, she wanted to delve into my past to see what traumatic episode this stems from. She told me that there was a good chance it might not help and things would get worse. Thanks but no thanks then. I know the tablets haven’t helped all that much but I think in hindsight they might have helped a bit. Nothing has happened in my past, everythings all been fine. Its an illness. Does cancer come from a traumatic childhood experience? No, so this is no different in my mind. In my mind, haha. Im not repressing anything, it pisses me off that they can give me support, like those at hexham did, but chose not too, is it too much hard work for them? I dunno... I feel ive wasted a year and got worse and not better. So I have an app on Friday morning and hopefully I’ll get t see a Dr asap and look at more medication options. Its a fine balance between them helping and the side effects being too much though so I’ll se what develops. It actually feels like people think im making shit up sometimes, I mean I haven’t got the energy to do that like, you’d need to be an Oscar worthy actor with the discipline of a monk to play this part 24/7. It’s a complete living nightmare at times. I think because im high fuctioning and quite strong some people just think its not as bad as all that. Apparently ive been talking to myself (the voices anyway but out load from time to time) this has got to stop, I have to be stronger and get myself sorted. People rely on me for fucks sake. 

Another week, not much better...

Another week, not much better...          

The battle goes on. GP (different one than last week) is on holiday til Friday so I cant see him, still no reply or contact from the Clinic, don’t know how to find a private psychiatrist, I’ll ask the psychologist if he can recommend anyone to see. I really need someone to talk to to help get this calmed down now, its been the longest ‘episode’ ive had in ages this, I feel absolutely spannered, head feels like ist boiling over and ive got nowt to help. The voices are telling me to hurt myself more and more, and worse. Cant give in to them. Don’t like waiting for anything at the best of times, even more when its this important. Again its a case of no one listening. Rang Mind in the town and he gave me a number for PALS who can help change psychiatrist but im not rining them yet until I hear from the clinic. God knows whats happening. Theres ‘people’ and big dog/wild cat like animals everywhere I seem to look and im sitting here on my own. Probably need to get out of here. Walk somewhere or summit, Water seems to clam me down sometimes. Seafront. Fucking god knars. Can’t concentrate or owt, everything is git jumbled up and fast. Used to get diazepam and temazepam and shit to sort me out, didn’t help that much but better than nowt. Dunno if I can last til Friday with all this noise and paranoia like, hopefully something will develop before then.

'I don’t know what to say, you don’t care anyway' - Crystal, New Order 2001

Ok then. Big deep breath, breathing techniques to calm the mind and try not to end up windmilling the fuck out of every person that so much as says ‘alright?’ this last 24 hours.

I made the decision along with the new Psychologist to try some more anti psychotic meds, these haven’t really done too much in the past but I’m willing to try them again because looking back I think the meds I’ve been on have probably helped even though I didn’t think it at the time. They may have taken a little bit off the top and bottom of all these symptoms. Anyway, I’m willing, if I get some that don’t make me pile weight on like the fucking stay puft marshmallow man, to try them again to see if they can calm the hallucinations, the voices, the noise...

Because I’m seeing a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, he can’t prescribe meds, so I made an appointment with my GP to explain what the crack was and see what my options were. Disasterous. The bloke didn’t listen one iota, couldn’t have given the shiniest of shites really, he listened for 3 minutes, wrote a letter and told me to hand it in to be referred to an NHS psychiatrist. I told him I had already seen someone where he wanted to send me and that they hadn’t really listened to me either and that I felt they were focussing on the wrong things. I read the letter as I was leaving. He’d just blatantly made stuff up. I went back in and got him to change it. I handed it in to the reception desk and the lass told me it would take up to 12 weeks. 12 fucking weeks? I already have contact with them but don’t really want to see the same doc and team as I feel I’ve been railroaded down a blind alley with them due to a few appointments where they, I feel, have focused on what they want to focus on, the easy way out for them, rather than the worst parts of my symptoms, so basically I’m put in a situation where I have to explain to people who aren’t going to listen that I want meds that they don’t want to give me.

Having contacted the psychologist after the GP appointment I rang the wellfeild clinic this morning, but the woman I see (who isn’t a doc) is not available all day so they sent her an email to contact me. I rang them back when I remembered the name of the Doc I’d seen there twice (for 30 mins each time and he thinks he can diagnose me such and such after this amount of time!) and asked to speak with him, after all he had told me to call any time. The receptionist informed me that patients can’t be transferred to doctors! What the absolute fuck man, so I asked if the email had gone to him. ‘Its been passed on’ was the answer. No then, id wager it fucking hasn’t. I’m in despair now with this carry on. I’m going to ask if the Psychologist can recommend me a psychiatrist so I can get the help and support I need without needing to bother the local authority as I feel that in Sunderland, the area is far too big, the resources are spread far too thin and the overriding feeling I get is that they want to pay lip service to people’s problems but not actually deal with the cases that are most difficult because they don’t have the time. Not their fault, the fault of those that hold the purse strings. Compare my support and care here to when I lived in Hexham and you’d think it was another planet. This kind of thing really knocks you, and for people who are struggling it really makes you lose faith. As I said to Alex last night, if I had had to go through all of this here rather than starting in Hexham, there would be a good chance id not be typing this now. Theres people who are worse off than me, I feel really fucking sorry for them.

Anyhow, training tonight after spending a bit time with the family so that hopefully will help.

Whats it all about, Alfie?

As time goes on this shit seems to grow harder to deal with, I feel like im a bad person to be around cos im miles away, disengaged, agitated or ‘blank’ loads. Is this because im having to go through telling another health professional the crack from the beginning again or is it just a natural part of the illness? I know what I think and its the latter, others might disagree but others might have an agenda.

I am fully behind the fact that this is here for the long term. That living through it and understanding it is going to be hard, its already been hard for the last few years. I think the difficulties com because I cant explain whats happening so others, professionals include cant grasp it either. This new fella seems to be concentrating on the psychiosis side of things at the min which is good as most have look at little bits of the picture rather than the whole thing. The voices, visions, hearing other peoples thoughts, the up and down crushing feelings and moods, it all adds up,

As far as episodes go, this one has been a stinker, I havent slept properly for days and the voices are insanely loud most of the time. The sort of stuff they say is rally disturbing and I find them very tiring. One of the most disturbing things that comes from this is the fact that I hear other peoples thoughts, strangers in busy places, supermarkets, strip light shithole shops, I hear them, I know what theyre thinking. ‘Look at that cunt, should be fucking killed’, ‘useless weird cunt’, ‘fucking wanker’ this kind of lovely crack, same sort of lines as the voices really but somehow more disturbing, Paranoia, great stuff! Feels like the world is watching, waiting for something to happen.

Something has to give somewhere, I think its going to be tablets again but I dont know if I want them...

Words like schizophrenia are canny scary but as long as I know what the battle is it helps in my own mind. I think im going to try an organised things better so I have more of a structure and a plan to use.

Went to a northern league match last night, Whitley bay v my mates team, North shields, quite enjoyed it, couple of lads from Farra detatched came along, it was good to get out and they were good company, as ever. Cheers CB and JB. By the way, Shields won 4-2 and our mate was an unused sub, at least we ddnt drive 40 mins both ways and pay in... oh, hang on ;)

Onwards an upwards.

Sergio Aguero is marvellous.

There’s a few things that make me realise I’m not all that well. I don’t enjoy the match, I don’t fancy a pint, I don’t like being on my own for long periods, the cuts on my arms get deeper etc etc. All of these things in the last couple of days have reared their ugly heads, I wanted to leave the match after 15 mins as the hallucinations and voices were so bad and I was really struggling being in a big crowd, though feeling completely isolated and disengaged from everything at the same time. I managed to stick it until just after the half and then my dad and mam came home with me. I hate that, absolutely hate it cos I love going to the match, win or lose I’m not bothered I love it. But theres sometimes when it all gets too much and too intense and I have to leave wherever I am and this was just one of those times. The voices are relentless then, really loud, nasty, vicious and directed. Telling me what and what not to do, etc. It’s an awful thing to deal with and at the minute I’m struggling to do so.

The cuts too, these happen for a couple of reasons, sometimes I feel numb to the world and everything around me and a little knick here and there makes me feel something at least. Other times it’s like a pressure release, like a pan boiling over, the feelings and thoughts and noise gets too much and a cut will just ease that for a few seconds and allow me to bring myself back into the here and now a bit. This doesn’t always work mind and when it doesn't the commanding voices are generally trying to take over. Scary shit.

One thing that gets me with all this is the word ‘normal’ Doctors and that hate it when people say this isn’t normal, and they give it the ‘well what’s normal?’ bullshit. Well I’ll tell you. Not fucking this. Not having voices in yer nut telling you to do this and that, not talk to him, don’t pick up the phone, asking questions on everything you do, telling you to crash your car, slice yer body up and shit. That's not normal is it? Being in a supermarket and looking at people and being able to hear what they are thinking, that’s not fucking normal either. Normal might be a state of mind or a state of being. This ain't it though!

As I’m a highly functioning sort of chap I get the feeling that people think I’ll just crack on and battle through, this frustrates me a bit because I think in a way I have it that bad because I know I’m not well, say like someone who has constantly got no grip on reality, well then that’s their reality isn’t it? they don’t differentiate from the real and the psychosis, most of the time though I can and because I’ve got this insight I think it’s harder because theres fuck all I can do to combat it a lot of the time. I dunno, its just a bit of a rant this. I’ll stop now,...

A lot has changed but not much has changed.

A lot has changed but not much has changed.

Since the last time I wrote anything a canny bit has changed, My little girl is 2 now and we have had a little lad too, Milo, he’s a canny chilled out little fella most of the time and Leia has become an absolutely great little lass, really bright, inquisitive, happy all round brilliant child. They are keeping me going at the minute, no doubt.

I’ve also move back to Sunderland, been here a year now, so with that came a change of team and service, I had feared that the service wouldn’t be the same here as it had been previously in Hexham, and so it became clear over time that because this is a far bigger area the services are so stretched that I don’t think they can cope or give people the right care at times. I think that I had not really been seen by the right people here and that because of re-structuring etc everything was just up in the air for so long that seeing the team here has become a bit detrimental to my care.

In Hexham I had been diagnosed as Bi Polar and then right at the end Borderline Personality Disorder too, I think this was mostly down to the self harm, though looking at the criteria for diagnosis I can’t see a lot of the points being hit by me, such as abandonment and bad relationships etc... It seems though that the team in Sunderland wanted to focus on things like my past and repressing emotions and feeling about things that may or may not have happened in the past. I’d like to point out now that absolutely nowt has happened to me in the past that has made me repress anything. At all. Ever. This being the focus of attention has massively ground me down, wound me up and frustrated me. To the point where I have sought a second opinion as I feel I’m not being listened to in the slightest. The struggle I have is my ups and downs and my Hallucinations and voices, they are what are difficult for me to deal with and they are the things I need help coping with.

All of this has led me to become hugely in turmoil with my head and the constant battle. I know theres one ultimate way to end it but after a frank heart to heart with a couple of frankly superb mates (FL, PS, yous know the score) I have decided that if I did that im just passing on the hurt and suffering to my friends and family, not least my 2 little ones. I’m ultimately not that selfish and I’d rather carry this pain than others having to cope with that for me if I’m not here to help them as they have helped me.

Since the beginning of the summer I have been off all meds too and in some ways I feel better for it, in others I’m not so sure that it’s the best thing, I need to have a real big think about how to tackle that as I’m a bit worried about long term effects which I know is hypocritical as fuck seeing how many illegal’s vie been hoying into myself over the years but so what? I’ll worry about that if I like haha.

Last week I made an appointment to see a Dr privately, I did an hour’s session with him and explained all my symptoms etc and didn’t really prompt him as to previous diagnosis and stuff and his conclusion was that I float around Bipolar and Schizophrenia sort of illnesses. This from what research I’ve done over the years seems to be more likely me, this view is shared by a few people close to me too, I know diagnosis doesn’t really matter too much but I’d rather know what I’m facing, be it bipolar, Schizoaffective disorder or Paranoid Schizophrenia. I think I have a better chance to control things if those things have a name at least!

Anyway I’m going to crack on writing again as often as I can because I think it helps. Peace and Love.

Oh aye, im (my team’s) still winning football matches like theres no tomorra ;) Top of the league.