A lot has changed but not much has changed.

A lot has changed but not much has changed.

Since the last time I wrote anything a canny bit has changed, My little girl is 2 now and we have had a little lad too, Milo, he’s a canny chilled out little fella most of the time and Leia has become an absolutely great little lass, really bright, inquisitive, happy all round brilliant child. They are keeping me going at the minute, no doubt.

I’ve also move back to Sunderland, been here a year now, so with that came a change of team and service, I had feared that the service wouldn’t be the same here as it had been previously in Hexham, and so it became clear over time that because this is a far bigger area the services are so stretched that I don’t think they can cope or give people the right care at times. I think that I had not really been seen by the right people here and that because of re-structuring etc everything was just up in the air for so long that seeing the team here has become a bit detrimental to my care.

In Hexham I had been diagnosed as Bi Polar and then right at the end Borderline Personality Disorder too, I think this was mostly down to the self harm, though looking at the criteria for diagnosis I can’t see a lot of the points being hit by me, such as abandonment and bad relationships etc... It seems though that the team in Sunderland wanted to focus on things like my past and repressing emotions and feeling about things that may or may not have happened in the past. I’d like to point out now that absolutely nowt has happened to me in the past that has made me repress anything. At all. Ever. This being the focus of attention has massively ground me down, wound me up and frustrated me. To the point where I have sought a second opinion as I feel I’m not being listened to in the slightest. The struggle I have is my ups and downs and my Hallucinations and voices, they are what are difficult for me to deal with and they are the things I need help coping with.

All of this has led me to become hugely in turmoil with my head and the constant battle. I know theres one ultimate way to end it but after a frank heart to heart with a couple of frankly superb mates (FL, PS, yous know the score) I have decided that if I did that im just passing on the hurt and suffering to my friends and family, not least my 2 little ones. I’m ultimately not that selfish and I’d rather carry this pain than others having to cope with that for me if I’m not here to help them as they have helped me.

Since the beginning of the summer I have been off all meds too and in some ways I feel better for it, in others I’m not so sure that it’s the best thing, I need to have a real big think about how to tackle that as I’m a bit worried about long term effects which I know is hypocritical as fuck seeing how many illegal’s vie been hoying into myself over the years but so what? I’ll worry about that if I like haha.

Last week I made an appointment to see a Dr privately, I did an hour’s session with him and explained all my symptoms etc and didn’t really prompt him as to previous diagnosis and stuff and his conclusion was that I float around Bipolar and Schizophrenia sort of illnesses. This from what research I’ve done over the years seems to be more likely me, this view is shared by a few people close to me too, I know diagnosis doesn’t really matter too much but I’d rather know what I’m facing, be it bipolar, Schizoaffective disorder or Paranoid Schizophrenia. I think I have a better chance to control things if those things have a name at least!

Anyway I’m going to crack on writing again as often as I can because I think it helps. Peace and Love.

Oh aye, im (my team’s) still winning football matches like theres no tomorra ;) Top of the league.