Getting my haircut yesterday I had to take my glasses off,
without them I can see much at all, sitting facing a mirror is bad enough but
100% more stressful when I cant see anything. Then this happened. Im sitting
there trying to not to show that im too stressed when one of ‘them’ appeared in
the mirror. Staring at me, it stayed there ages. Proper freaky as I could see ‘it’
no bother, like I would see anyone else if I had my glasses on, usually I wear contacts
so ive never experienced that before like. Very very weird.
Also ive been thinking
about what I need to say to the gp about getting a quick referral to a
psychiatrist privately, when me and Alex went through it all then its no the
wonder things aren’t great. Diagnoses in Hexham was bipolar and borderline,
they were going to re-asses this to see if I leaned more towards the
schitzoaffective side of things. However they didn’t get around to it as I left
the area. Got put in a sort of purgatory state in Sunderland by being placed
with an Eip support worker who tried her best ut didn’t really have much
insight into my problems. They decided that they didn’t need to see my notes or
history from Hexham so just went with what she thought, I constantly disagreed
with this support worker as I didn’t feel she was listening. She sat in on 2
sessions when I saw their team doc, he went with what she said rather than
listening to what I had to say. I think this process has knocked my confidence
somewhat and I feel back to square one. They taked about emotional dis
regulation, I can handle my ups and downs for the most part, its the
hallucinations and voices that are the biggest problem. They decided they would
transfer me to a new team who deal with non-psychosis problems. Non-psychoisis,
joking or what? If you see things that aren’t there, think that people are out
to kill you, hear peoples thoughts, have voices commenting on you and constant
noise in your head, what is that if not psychotic symptoms? Anyway the eip
support worker sat in on an appointment where I met the woman who was going to be my new worker, everything I said
the eip worker contradicted and tried to push the new woman down a different
track rather than listening to what was actually happening, she wanted to delve
into my past to see what traumatic episode this stems from. She told me that
there was a good chance it might not help and things would get worse. Thanks
but no thanks then. I know the tablets haven’t helped all that much but I think
in hindsight they might have helped a bit. Nothing has happened in my past,
everythings all been fine. Its an illness. Does cancer come from a traumatic
childhood experience? No, so this is no different in my mind. In my mind, haha.
Im not repressing anything, it pisses me off that they can give me support,
like those at hexham did, but chose not too, is it too much hard work for them?
I dunno... I feel ive wasted a year and got worse and not better. So I have an
app on Friday morning and hopefully I’ll get t see a Dr asap and look at more
medication options. Its a fine balance between them helping and the side
effects being too much though so I’ll se what develops. It actually feels like
people think im making shit up sometimes, I mean I haven’t got the energy to do
that like, you’d need to be an Oscar worthy actor with the discipline of a monk
to play this part 24/7. It’s a complete living nightmare at times. I think because im high fuctioning and quite strong some people just think its not as bad as all that. Apparently ive
been talking to myself (the voices anyway but out load from time to time) this
has got to stop, I have to be stronger and get myself sorted. People rely on me
for fucks sake.
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