There’s a few things that make me realise I’m not all that well. I
don’t enjoy the match, I don’t fancy a pint, I don’t like being on my own for
long periods, the cuts on my arms get deeper etc etc. All of these things in
the last couple of days have reared their ugly heads, I wanted to leave the
match after 15 mins as the hallucinations and voices were so bad and I was
really struggling being in a big crowd, though feeling completely isolated and
disengaged from everything at the same time. I managed to stick it until just
after the half and then my dad and mam came home with me. I hate that,
absolutely hate it cos I love going to the match, win or lose I’m not bothered I
love it. But theres sometimes when it all gets too much and too intense and I
have to leave wherever I am and this was just one of those times. The voices
are relentless then, really loud, nasty, vicious and directed. Telling me what
and what not to do, etc. It’s an awful thing to deal with and at the minute I’m
struggling to do so.
The cuts too, these happen for a couple of
reasons, sometimes I feel numb to the world and everything around me and a
little knick here and there makes me feel something at least. Other times it’s
like a pressure release, like a pan boiling over, the feelings and thoughts and
noise gets too much and a cut will just ease that for a few seconds and allow
me to bring myself back into the here and now a bit. This doesn’t always work
mind and when it doesn't the commanding voices are generally trying to take
over. Scary shit.
One thing that gets me with all this is the word ‘normal’ Doctors
and that hate it when people say this isn’t normal, and they give it the ‘well what’s
normal?’ bullshit. Well I’ll tell you. Not fucking this. Not having voices in
yer nut telling you to do this and that, not talk to him, don’t pick up the phone,
asking questions on everything you do, telling you to crash your car, slice yer
body up and shit. That's not normal is it? Being in a supermarket and looking
at people and being able to hear what they are thinking, that’s not fucking
normal either. Normal might be a state of mind or a state of being. This ain't
it though!
As I’m a highly functioning sort of chap I
get the feeling that people think I’ll just crack on and battle through, this
frustrates me a bit because I think in a way I have it that bad because I know I’m
not well, say like someone who has constantly got no grip on reality, well then
that’s their reality isn’t it? they don’t differentiate from the real and the psychosis,
most of the time though I can and because I’ve got this insight I think it’s
harder because theres fuck all I can do to combat it a lot of the time. I
dunno, its just a bit of a rant this. I’ll stop now,...
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