Whats it all about, Alfie?

As time goes on this shit seems to grow harder to deal with, I feel like im a bad person to be around cos im miles away, disengaged, agitated or ‘blank’ loads. Is this because im having to go through telling another health professional the crack from the beginning again or is it just a natural part of the illness? I know what I think and its the latter, others might disagree but others might have an agenda.

I am fully behind the fact that this is here for the long term. That living through it and understanding it is going to be hard, its already been hard for the last few years. I think the difficulties com because I cant explain whats happening so others, professionals include cant grasp it either. This new fella seems to be concentrating on the psychiosis side of things at the min which is good as most have look at little bits of the picture rather than the whole thing. The voices, visions, hearing other peoples thoughts, the up and down crushing feelings and moods, it all adds up,

As far as episodes go, this one has been a stinker, I havent slept properly for days and the voices are insanely loud most of the time. The sort of stuff they say is rally disturbing and I find them very tiring. One of the most disturbing things that comes from this is the fact that I hear other peoples thoughts, strangers in busy places, supermarkets, strip light shithole shops, I hear them, I know what theyre thinking. ‘Look at that cunt, should be fucking killed’, ‘useless weird cunt’, ‘fucking wanker’ this kind of lovely crack, same sort of lines as the voices really but somehow more disturbing, Paranoia, great stuff! Feels like the world is watching, waiting for something to happen.

Something has to give somewhere, I think its going to be tablets again but I dont know if I want them...

Words like schizophrenia are canny scary but as long as I know what the battle is it helps in my own mind. I think im going to try an organised things better so I have more of a structure and a plan to use.

Went to a northern league match last night, Whitley bay v my mates team, North shields, quite enjoyed it, couple of lads from Farra detatched came along, it was good to get out and they were good company, as ever. Cheers CB and JB. By the way, Shields won 4-2 and our mate was an unused sub, at least we ddnt drive 40 mins both ways and pay in... oh, hang on ;)

Onwards an upwards.