Pancake tosser

You ever had the feeling that your being watched? shit like isn't it? Loads has happened since i last wrote, ive been discharged by my NHS team, without being told. Been to see a private psychiatrist who has clarified my diagnosis (Bipolar with Psychotic features, strange how i was going to be put with a non psychosis tea..) and formulated a plan, which involves going back to the nhs team. i was under the impression that i was being moved teams but apparently they just cut me loose without sending me a letter or anything. So im now on a totally indeterminate CPN (Community nurse) list that i could be on for months. Nice one. I also had to contact my GP about getting on Lithium tablets, so i rang them up and he's on holiday for 10 days hahaha, what luck! I think the best course of action would be to get the Psychiatrist to contact the NHS team for me. maybe i'll give that a go and try and see a different doctor at the gp surgery. They were on about something called DBT before, i'll have to do a bit of looking at that. All talk and no solution it seems.

Anyway the reason i haven't wrote owt for a while is that the ups and downs have been canny intense, the downs have been particularly crushing, to the point where i just haven't been able to do anything for days, the voices get more directed and cutting. And the cutting! Then the flip side is today, energy to burn, i feel like i can tackle the world, mind the is the danger that ill do daft things on a whim but hopefully i can stay in the mortal realm and not go too far gone that i do things i cant remember or whatever. Just try and use the energy in a positive way. The paranoia and the voices/visions are still there in this kind of phase but its hard to shake them ever so that is what it is.

The Phychiatrist reckons all the drugs i took and all the drinking ive done hasn't helped matters like , maybe he's right but he's on about me not drinking and stuff, he thinks that will help ease the voices and everything a bit, along with the tablets (which i hate, make me pile weight on) I told him id tried this before for a few moths and it didnt make much difference at all. Anythings worth a go though so...

One other thing that happens with all this energy i can become pretty agitated pretty quick, like last night Alex was out so i had Mlo and Leia, they were in bed like but still. Anyway nothing usually happens once they are in bed but Milo woke up last night and was screaming, this didn't help my head and i couldn't get him settled, the voices then got really nasty and it completely sent me the other way from being a canny happy buzz to fucking angry, wound up etc pretty quickly. Luckily i didnt show this while i was trying to calm him down and Alex came in and took over. Makes me feel useless that shit though, really fucks me off.

Faster than shit of a chrome shovel

When everything is like this its 100mph, cant concentrate on anything for longer than 5 mins, its called racing thoughts, it doesn’t help when the voices are loud and just talking total gobbledegook, nothing makes sense, I talk to myself a bit I think, I cant really tell at times if people are talking to my or its just the noise in my head. It’s proper serious weird shit. The upside of this is that I get a lot of energy, always tempered but anxiety and paranoia but at least I get bits of things done now and again. Better than being a total zombie all the time like I am on the meds.

The woman at the hospital place I go told me to take them every other day until I get them into my system, I see them this week so ill ask about that cos its just making me flat out like. The voices do get a bit quieter but is it worth it to be a complete waste of space for half the time. I just sleep, I feel myself sitting there just existing rather than living. Its total bollocks like. Im canny stressed about seeing them to be honest as im seeing a new person too and im going to push for a new doctor to go along with the psychologist ive been seeing. See if i can get a bit more help out of it all, if not its going to be a massive haul. It is anyway, nature of it i suppose but the thoughts of giving up get really really strong from time to time and them times seem to be getting closer together at the min.

As ive been taking them every other day my moods have been totally all over the place, ive been angry at times and kicking off at stuff that hasn’t gone right, including alex, which wasn’t nice for any of us but I felt like I was lost and couldn’t contact anyone and so everything magnified and I got completely stressed. The wind didn’t help either, I have to walk covering my ears a lot when its bad as the voices and noise get really intense. That clearly makes me look bad. That and shouting to try and get them to quieten down.

Basically theres no middle ground at the minute, im either totally fucked off the tablets or 100mph, a bit levelling out would be good.

Ive found a group on FB that has loads of people with these kinds of problems, and this has given me a bit of comfort as it shows im not alone. Some of the stuff I read is hard though as it rings really true and is sometimes showing people in despair. I know how they feel. If someone could find a way to take all of this away they would make billions of whatever currency they want. Still the things that keep me going are doing so, so thanks to everyone, you know you help...

Bit of an update

Im not really a nice person at the minute. Ive started these tablets that have got me agitated, wound up, like a zombie, totally shattered and basically fucked up. I suppose theyve helped dampen the voices down a touch but the knock on effect of that is that i might as well not be around, ive slept at every opportunity and i cant motivate myself to do anything constructive really. Im really short tempered too, shouting at everyone, Alex, Leia, being a bit horrible to them. Its not nice. For me, or for anyone else. Im not taking them anymore, theres got to be an alternative that just does the good bits without the bad being so severe.

Since i last blogged i had a meeting with the doc at the hospital and the Eip worker i see was in with us. So was Alex. it was a total battle, he didnt like me questioning his thoughts or challenging what he said, i think it must be easy for them to say owt to anyone who is totally spaced to fuck on meds and they just accept it. The fella was totally defensive, aggressive at times, towards me and Alex, it wasn't the best, he basically ended up writing a prescription to get me to fuck off, so i thought. The whole thing wasn't handled well at all. The whole thing was that he has diagnosed me with some Emotional disregulation thing, its bullshit. Ive met the guy 3 times for a grand total of 90 mins or so, he said, when i said how can he possibly diagnose me, He doesnt know me, that he takes into account what the Eip woman says, however i challenge her a lot too because i think she picks the wrong bits out of what i say, the bits im not really arsed about, a throw away comment or something. Or trys to fit things that may or may not have happened into a timeline to prove stuff that doesnt exist and never has. Its the hallucinations and voices that are my problem mostly, not that i feel up or down (which is still shit but haway at least its not relentless noise and paranoia)

Anyway i tried the tablets and they're a different form of hell. There has to be alternatives. This is the longest downward episode ive had in a long long time, every day i wake up thinking i might be feeling better but then later or the next day i just bottom out and crash.

On the plus side i see the psychologist ive been seeing private tomorrow so thats a good thing, hopefully that will help a bit and i'll feel a bit more positive soon.

Ive watched a bit on youtube about different disorders and this video sums things up for me, its near enough bang on, other than the fact shes a lass and im not. i take a bit of comfort in the fact that im not alone and theres others out there. shit for them i know but hey, what you going to do?

Im also eternally greatful for everyone who has kept an eye on me the last few weeks, from lads i go to the match with, play football with, mates and espeically family. Your all fucking great. im going to try and be nicer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h57b-oz76Ps