Faster than shit of a chrome shovel

When everything is like this its 100mph, cant concentrate on anything for longer than 5 mins, its called racing thoughts, it doesn’t help when the voices are loud and just talking total gobbledegook, nothing makes sense, I talk to myself a bit I think, I cant really tell at times if people are talking to my or its just the noise in my head. It’s proper serious weird shit. The upside of this is that I get a lot of energy, always tempered but anxiety and paranoia but at least I get bits of things done now and again. Better than being a total zombie all the time like I am on the meds.

The woman at the hospital place I go told me to take them every other day until I get them into my system, I see them this week so ill ask about that cos its just making me flat out like. The voices do get a bit quieter but is it worth it to be a complete waste of space for half the time. I just sleep, I feel myself sitting there just existing rather than living. Its total bollocks like. Im canny stressed about seeing them to be honest as im seeing a new person too and im going to push for a new doctor to go along with the psychologist ive been seeing. See if i can get a bit more help out of it all, if not its going to be a massive haul. It is anyway, nature of it i suppose but the thoughts of giving up get really really strong from time to time and them times seem to be getting closer together at the min.

As ive been taking them every other day my moods have been totally all over the place, ive been angry at times and kicking off at stuff that hasn’t gone right, including alex, which wasn’t nice for any of us but I felt like I was lost and couldn’t contact anyone and so everything magnified and I got completely stressed. The wind didn’t help either, I have to walk covering my ears a lot when its bad as the voices and noise get really intense. That clearly makes me look bad. That and shouting to try and get them to quieten down.

Basically theres no middle ground at the minute, im either totally fucked off the tablets or 100mph, a bit levelling out would be good.

Ive found a group on FB that has loads of people with these kinds of problems, and this has given me a bit of comfort as it shows im not alone. Some of the stuff I read is hard though as it rings really true and is sometimes showing people in despair. I know how they feel. If someone could find a way to take all of this away they would make billions of whatever currency they want. Still the things that keep me going are doing so, so thanks to everyone, you know you help...