At the Sunderland v Blackburn game i could see 3 players, clear as day, warming up on the far touchline, I sought clarification from the mother. there was 1 player, James McClean. Honestly im now getting to the point where im not entirely sure whether what i see as real is real and what i believe to be hallucinations are hallucinations, my mind is just a muddled up mess, im taking enough tablets to take down a bull elephant and despite this im still a bundle of energy and can only sleep for very small periods. Theres a million things going on in my head at once, im getting un-needed hassle from one or two people who, although frustrated, could do well to step back and think about the bigger picture. I forget things i've done, places i've been, conversations ive had.
Friday night a good mate, Jonesy gave me a lift from Sunderland to Carlisle for Alex's Christmas party, it took us fucking ages to find the place, the food was average and i resorted to sneaking vodka, lime and sodas after having 4 pints, i told Alex id had 2. I knew at this point what i was doing was trying to get a release but all it served to do was make me worse overall, when we got back home it was clear that i was acting like a fucking prick and i am more determined than ever to stop the drinking, so if any of you see me out and about, have a word if im stood at a bar please. its with support that i feel i've got this far and i know i shouldnt ask people to look over me but i need it to get better so im reaching out here.
Jonesy and me talked of the old Roker Park days, days of losing to Southend, walloping Villa in the cup and still losing 1-4 after an astounding performance from Mark Bosnich. By fuck, them were the days, I loved Roker, i loved the sight, the floodlights, the smells of pie, smoke, piss and booze. I idolised shite players, and Marco, i didn't care that we were shit, when we had good times we lived and breathed every second. I feel none of that now, i feel empty, alone and isolated. Like im existing but not living. At the match on Sunday i felt this, i did however feel a twinge of the old spark when Frankie smashed in the equaliser. I knew we'd go on to win if we got one goal, as i said to my dad. Its strange watching football at the minute, i see extra runs and things that i wouldn't have dreamed of before now. maybe it helps? maybe it gets me more worked up and frustrated.
Saturday and Sunday were spent in Sunderland with my family as Alex was out and about up to secretive things! I got the train to Newcastle to meet my mam and sister on Saturday, i was so tired, i slept most of the day, I freaked out at the flashing of the lights on the tree and saw a man tapping on the back window late on in the evening, this, the voices were arguing in my head was 'they' coming to get me, so i got my mam to shut the blinds and stuff and tried not to let on why. I also went for a walk to deliver some cards with my dad, he's a top bloke big Ray, supports anything i want to do and supports me and Alex 100% all the time, he's a bit of a hero of mine, along with my mam and siblings and cousins. Anyway while we were out I saw 3 people but didn't want to ask my dad if they were real or not, i felt like they were but then as we rounded a corner to Patty's kip i couldn't see them anymore. I also saw a dog that looked like 'our sam', a collie type loony dog my nan had when i was a nipper. im pretty sure that wasn't real.
Sunday I set 3 alarms so I got up for my sunday league match, we won 4-1 to stay top with some excellent football and great goals i was pleased with the result but felt we conceded a very soft goal that i kept replaying in my head, focusing on the negative has become a huge problem recently. My very good friend, and Brother in law to be, Kingy got a big knock and ended in hospital with a suspected broken cheekbone, i felt responsible as its my team and i have to protect my players. im culpable for everything that goes on during games i feel, he'll be a huge miss as its fair to say, he's fucking good. We've been unlucky with injury this season. Still though we'll battle on.
Pretty much straight from there it was off to the SAFC game where again i felt the isolation and loneliness, i missed my mate, Dixon, as he's always canny to talk to, though the rest of the lads I met beforehand were brilliant, they always rally round when anyones having problems or whatever, us Sunderland folk are like that, one for all and all that bollox. Sunday night i stayed in Sunderland and went to get some xmas shopping monday before my mam brought me back to Hexham where i met yet another Doc who examined and probed me mentally, he asked loads of questions, i got confused, i answered the best i can, got to go to the doc tomorrow, meet the crisis team and meet my regular head doc on wednesday, Alex is off friday and theres no Sunderland game sat so hopefully they will be nice days.
Fucking hell Super mario's just scored after a minute. im in tears for some reason, maybe cos im letting it all out. til next time, stay cool kids.
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